Mind Your Own Business

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A cellist I know said it irritates her when people say “you’re so lucky you can play an instrument and do something you love”.  Luck?? she protested,  It’s got nothing to do with luck.  I work bloody hard.

It’s true, she does.   Success in anything is about the decisions you make to take on challenges or to try and find the easy way round (it’s an illusion, there isn’t one), or give up and say I can’t do it and it’s not my fault.

What makes us run away from the challenges?   It’s very painful.  You don’t realize it until you  face it yourself.  GAAAHHH, no wonder I was running.  Why do some people stop running and others don’t?   I don’t think it’s about good / bad, lucky / unlucky, spiritual / unspiritual, but I can’t get into somebody else’s head.

And what good does it do me to try and figure it out, or to judge them?   If I’m doing that, I’m avoiding myself.   Much better to listen to what I need and figure out what stops me getting it.  Mind Your Own Business – I used to think it was about gossip.  Now I realize it’s much more powerful than that.

People have said to me “you know what you want, you’re so strong in that, you’re lucky”.  Others have said “you’re lucky you’re creative”.  My initial response is the same as my friends – humph, it’s not luck, it’s hard work.

Thing is, I do feel fortunate.   Maybe all that means is, I’m finally happy to be me, to have this life, the way that it is, because I know I’m not trapped any more, I know I’m on the move.   I’ve had to work hard to get here, but I was able to want to.

And if I look back, what I’ve craved right at the core of me has always been alive and burning.  I’ve felt like a wild animal with my legs in chains, stuck in a tiny cage.   Unchain me!  Get me out of here! I tried avoidance-running and the short way round.  Didn’t work.  I tell you, the long way round pays off.

I believe we all have creativity, dreams and the capacity to know what we need.   We just learned how not to listen, how to mind everybody else’s business instead of our own.  We used other people’s ideas instead of forming our own.  We had too much consistent experience of being unimportant.   Well, I’ve been able to learn something different, and if I could do it, other people must be able to.

Minding my own business was where I was taught to start, in every small moment.  What am I feeling?  What do I need?  Physically, emotionally, organically, now, not later.  I need somebody to hold me, I need to cry, laugh, rage, speak, be heard.  I need food, drink, fun, pleasure. I need the sun, I need to be warm, to feel somebody’s love, to have them take my side. Space to be me.  I need to know I haven’t blown it and life is on my side. I need to rest or play, to be responded to in real time by a  real person not just in my head, to experience being important to somebody.  I need the experience of love, protection, applause, joy and friendship, not just the theory of it…

Whatever it is, it’s my need, I must be able to hear it.   When plants get appropriate food and are in a nurturing, protective environment they grow up strong and produce beautiful flowers and delicious fruit.   I don’t think we’re any different in principle.