Actually, I didn’t eat any chocolate yesterday, the title was just to see if I could get WordPress’s attention so they’d put me on the front page. You see? Even WordPress doesn’t like me any more. Am goomed – well that’s a good word. Gloomily doomed. Oh, but what if WordPress is reading today? Now they’ll never put me on the front page. I’ll be branded as a phony, a liar, a – what? A marketer?? Ooh, v. bad. But I thought WordPress wants you to market yourself so they get more famous and rich. Oh I give up.
As for yesterday, I let myself be, took the pressure off, and didn’t say “you have to fix this, this is bad, look for the silver lining, go and do a good deed”. I just stayed and didn’t fight it. Was kind to myself. Played the piano, did vocal exercises – but easy stuff – and work. Backed off on the pressure to achieve and get it all right. Then I watched Educational TV and went to bed with a book by Donna Leon, set in Venice.
I said to myself all day “it doesn’t matter what you achieve, I love you just the way you are, when you’re happy, when you’re sad, when you’re angry, when you’re scared.”. My therapist said the same thing. Putting too much pressure on yourself can really turn the world into a black place. Today everything looks clearer and my inspiration and my-life-is-meaningful buckets have mysteriously filled up.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be uninspired and empty. It’s uncomfortable is all. Think about when a plant wilts. I don’t try to intellectualize it out of its wilting. I know the wilting is a symptom that the plant needs something. More water, less water, more sun, less sun… If I don’t interpret the symptom properly, I and the plant are out of luck, it’s not going to revive, doesn’t matter how clever my theories are.
I don’t think people are any different. Emotions are wilting-symptoms. When they’re really uncomfortable it’s because I need something desperately, and I haven’t been listening, or I’ve been telling myself I can’t have what I need. Yesterday Robin didn’t say let’s find something to be happy about, he didn’t try to lead me away from my emotions, he led me right into them, so that I could really know what they were telling me. He let me rage, and then cry my eyes out, go where I needed to go. He encouraged me to be completely real; he listened, and held me – in a parental way, you understand.
It told me with actions that no matter what my emotions, no matter what the level of my worldly achievements, no matter what I’ve done or haven’t done, my failures, my successes; no matter where I’ve come from, where I am and where I’m going – I’m deserving of love, kindness, attention, protection, nurturing. Experiencing it in that unconditional way hit the spot.
Wouldn’t you know it, the symptoms went away and I revived. Chocolate doesn’t come anywhere close to love.
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