Making choices when the sides get blasted out of your world

This is the first time in a year that I’ve let so much time go by without posting something here.  It feels strange, as if something got amputated.  I’ve got so used to the ritual of it, and even though it’s hard to think of something to say every day, it’s kind of held my world together.

Writing doesn’t come easily to me, words don’t form in simple sentences.  Somebody said writing is about staring at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds!  That’s about right for me.  My thoughts seem clear and uncluttered, but something gets screwed up in the translation process.  Then I have to spend hours cleaning out all the garbage, trying to simplify.

Still, it’s been like having my coffee in the morning.  Something I could depend on, even when I haven’t felt inspired.

Then somebody said “hey, here’s a plane ticket”.  You know how some experiences blast the sides right out of your world? Well this one did.  Not just the flying, the everything of it.   Being in an environment that was stimulating and exciting, safe, pleasurable.

And I get to do it over and over.  Just like good sex.  Seriously I feel as if I walked out of prison into a beautiful world I was afraid would never exist for me again. It’s been a long time that I’ve been wrestling with feeling like a loser and a third class citizen.

With all the different dreams I have, and plans that keep forming out of my desires, I’ve been worrying lately that there are just too many, and I’ve been getting fragmented, not knowing which one should I choose, singing or writing, script or novel, blog or no blog.

In a way the decision’s been made for me at least for the next 5 months.  I’ve got a huge amount of work to do for the course and I’m making that my priority.   Alongside internet marketing.   I’m going to focus on those two.  For now anyway.   Even educational TV isn’t getting much of my attention.   Recording?  Radio show?  Forget it.  Too time consuming.  Damn, going to have to rethink the Paypal thing.

If Michael Buble shows up at my door of course things could change in an instant.

 

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It’s all about connection – Michael Buble, where are you?

You can listen to the audio of this blog.   Just click on this link:   2nd blog audio sept 18 2010

Lately I’ve had a whole lot of frustrated emotion building up.  Stormy Weather.

Remember Robert de Niro in Analyze This, when Billy Crystal suggests he let out his frustration on a pillow?   Well, I didn’t quite take out a gun, but I did let loose on pillows.   What a pleasure!  Not trying to control my anger or think beyond it or talk myself into being rational.  Just being  enraged and letting it out with my body.  On an inanimate object; leaping about, shouting whatever angry rude things came into my head.  Very rude, actually.  Being as bad-ass as I could.

Call me crazy, but I’m not built to push that stuff down.  When I do it gets compressed within; thoughts become contorted, imagination goes wild in very irrational ways.  Life seems grim, and I feel quite disconnected from people.  I can’t think, talk, discipline or meditate my way out of that.  But when I let off the steam in private in a big way the clouds clear, the sun comes out, sense and sensibility is established.  Nobody gets hurt, life looks good and I’m ready to connect again.

Well, putting my 1st audio together and launching it brought about a lot of connection, that’s for sure.  Thanks to everyone who commented and gave such great feedback.  I love you!  Here’s the most basic truth about life: when people tell you they love you or they enjoy something you’ve done it makes you very happy, gives you faith in yourself.   Makes you want to take on the world, of course it does.

Lots of people suggested a radio show of some sort.  Fantastic idea.  I could have a phone in time,  do interviews, have different topics, explore the world of people, maybe do skype.  I could even have an agony aunt section – love that idea.  I guess it would be a kind of radio magazine, with different sections, different time slots.  Somebody even suggested a “singing for my supper” slot.  Good  idea.   Online busking.  The coward’s way!  So what, what’s wrong with being a coward.

Of course that presumes I could record songs that sound half way decent.  If yesterday and today are anything to go by, I won’t have much supper.   I downloaded a backing track for Stormy Weather and sang along, but it sounded pretty ghastly, and I couldn’t get the recording levels right.   Ended up having to have another tantrum.  Well, today I did it again, and it’s not perfect, but it’s the best I can do.  It’s going to take me a while to learn how to do anything that’s even vaguely polished.  But that’s okay.  It is what it is.

And I love this radio idea.   Of course I have to build a following, but that will come.  Yes, I like this road I’m traveling on.  The best thing about it?  It’s all about connection.

If you like what you heard and would like to contribute something to keeping this dreamer alive, click the donate button and follow the instructions.  I don’t get to see your banking details.  If you want to know more about my dreams and what I need help with, click here.

Who says the truth sets you free? Where dreams come true…Anybody know Michael Buble? Oprah?

Hopefully you can listen to this on audio.  click the following link: 1st blog audio sept 12 2010 If you like it, I’d love you to share it with your FaceBook friends.  Well, any friends, actually.  Anybody know Michael Buble?  Oprah?  The transcript is below, minus, of course, the bits of singing.

This blog marks the start of a pretty grand dream, using a funky old PA system and computer to record.  When I worked out how to do this, grandiose visions blossomed in my head of perfect songs emerging first time round;  instant world fame; recording labels jamming up my phone lines and internet connection; blog going viral overnight and Michael Buble stopping whatever he was doing and yelling “gotta sing with that woman!! Who the heck is she?”

Ha ha – it isn’t going to happen, folks.  Ooh, daunting thing listening to your own voice for the first time.   I thought I had excellent pitch.   Eugh.  No control at all.  Oh.   Now I sympathise with people who sing karaoke so horribly!  One teeny tiny consolation is – oh.  There isn’t one!.

Even talking and not sounding voice tense or boring is difficult.   I have renewed respect for people who do this and make it sound easy.   I’m sure I can whip my voice into shape within the next ten years.  Okay, maybe twenty.  Well look, definitely thirty.  Forty without a doubt.  Fifty – tops.   By then I’ll be in the grave.   What would I sing?  How about cemetery blues.

Well that’s cheerful, Jennifer, what a great way to start.  Actually, it doesn’t matter how / where you start, it just matters that you start.   And of course that you don’t let anything stop you.  You just put one foot in front of the other and travel along your chosen road.

So.  Here’s to having overcome the first round of challenges which I thought were insurmountable and it turns out they weren’t.  I seriously didn’t believe I could work out how to record using my computer.  Mind you there was a time when I thought I couldn’t work out how to use an electric drill either.

So here’s to the next lot of obstacles, yay, love those obstacles.  Gaaad.   It’s rough when your dream is to be a singer and your obstacle is the way you sing.   V. funny, Universe.  Who was it said the truth sets you free?  It’s absolute bollocks of course.  We all know that.

Just kidding.

1st blog audio sept 12 2010

In general, this blog is about the pursuit of dreams.  Mine are to establish myself as a vocalist, script & blog writer & novelist, & to earn by doing something meaningful.  I need help with some things.  Click here to read more about my dreams and what I need.

Needing and wanting that mentor, and obsessing about Michael Buble

I’ve been posting articles about singing, which seems a bit dumb, really, should just be singing.   Funny thing, I’m getting great feedback and encouragement to pursue my singing dream, but everybody’s also saying you’re a writer, whatever you do, don’t give it up! So when I sing, if I compose songs about my writing, then everybody will say do the writing if you want, but hey, you’re a singer!

I look forward to the day.  I’m still obsessing with wanting a singing mentor.  The universe is being particularly stubborn about this.  Clearly am not spiritual enough.  I added it up the other day; when I first tried to reconnect with my voice a few years ago, I approached 12 potential mentors.  Bloody 6 of them were teachers, and I paid to have lessons with them.  Not one of them had any flipping enthusiasm or vision, or even sense of humor.   Sour and dour inside.

So where are the good ones?   Hallo??   I just want one.   Could it be that you have to start actually doing it in the world before the mentors can see you?   Hmmm.   Grumble.   That’s what I want the damn mentor for, to help me get to that place. Lots of people are saying just do it anyway, and the right person will come into your world.

Maybe, maybe.   So, have to put that plan together for the equipment to record to put singing on blog and other sites, and have to a few songs together, go and sing at an open mic night.  Which means getting car fixed.   It’s a start, in real time, and at least has a chance of going somewhere other than just in my imagination.   Sick of doing things in my head.

People generally aren’t responding to Paypal donate.   I was hoping they’d read and want to donate small amounts, but they don’t.   Maybe it’s not focused enough.   The problem is, the topic is about my journey in recovering from a big financial crisis, figuring out what they hell I was doing wrong, and reclaiming my life and my dreams.   But because I’m writing about day to day things, one blog won’t tell anybody the whole picture.   Hmmm.   Need solution.   Of course, there’s the off chance that my story doesn’t appeal to anybody or that  I shouldn’t be asking for help and god is punishing me.   Bugger that.

Well it’s Friday, and my week’s planning is up to shit.   Really not effective at this at all.   So the weekend is going to be spent in: A)  costing recording equipment and fixing car; and B)  making 2 plans, one for singing, one for writing, figuring out how I can do both.   Not going to: daydream, obsess about Michael Buble, watch too much educational TV, pay attention to inner critic, spend too much time sweeping floor and washing dishes.

Oh wait, must wash dishes, and what’s wrong with obsessing with Michael Buble anyway.   Imagine having him as a mentor…

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