If you want to hear some while reading, click the photo. It’ll open YouTube but it’s just a recording. Start the ‘video’ (Body and Soul) then come back here to read. The song is pretty blue, which isn’t the flavor of this post, but it’s the only one I’ve recorded so far. Others will follow.
‘Stepping out of history’ means dealing with the effects of your past that have crippled you in one way or another. In 2003 I went bankrupt. I thought it was just about money, and was sure I’d recover in a year. But the cause of the crisis ran much deeper than I realized. Truth is, I’d run from it most of my life, either by dissociation or absolute memory loss.
You can’t move forward with that going on inside of you. So I ground to a halt. To free myself from everything that had held me hostage since childhood I had to remember it first and deal with the shame that haunted the corridors of my being. That’s when I realized why people forget or dissociate. It took everything I had to not run again. But, it may be a cliché now but it’s still true that the more painful the crisis the bigger the reward of facing and overcoming what caused it. When your history has crippled you in some way you don’t step out of it and start to walk again in a day or with ease but if you keep at it you’ll learn how to run and eventually fly with the wind.
I started this blog in 2009 and it, together with therapy, kept me from going totally insane through that lowest point which we all believe is somebody else’s journey but isn’t going to be ours. Yeah.
It wasn’t much fun the day I looked at myself and acknowledged ‘I’m that woman most people in my world are embarrassed by if I tell my truth’. At first my blog was about trying to make sense of what had happened to me, the part I’d played, and how I’d lost my voice. As I worked my way up from my lowest point I started to write about things other than myself. Now it’s mostly American politics or miscellaneous life observations. Older posts are about my journey and I’m writing my memoire now. And a thriller that’s a whole lot of fun. A girl’s gotta have some balance.
After a life of being over-adaptive, I’m starting to do it my way. I’ve started my life over, doing some things I’ve always wanted to – like speak out, hallo – and doing a lot of other things differently. I have a list of dreams that go from here to China and back, big dreams, small dreams. Some I’ve achieved; others not yet.
My experiences have given me a pretty cool toolbox to write with and I’m a screenwriter now, go figure. I’ve worked as Head Writer for a South African production company and had 3 scripts made into TV movies. I’ve got 2 destined for Hollywood and 5 more in development. I’m rewriting a gorgeous script for a US producer. I also play piano, acoustic and electric guitar, sing jazz standards and have started composing. I sketch, paint, read American crime novels and constantly vow to go to the gym tomorrow. I’m a big fan of Paul Krugman and Gail Collins (NYT Opinion). I’m crazy about President Barack Obama who I think is way ahead of his time.
I live in Cape Town, South Africa, but I’m pretty much always in a New York state of mind.