Money or not enough of it is just in my face. The R500 I was offered as down payment to sell the timeshare ended up being R250. I wouldn’t have agreed to do work for payment that might never happen if I’d thought that was the deal. It was a huge shock. Thought you were going to be safe? I’ll show you.
So now I have R350. $50 separating me from the street. I’ve still got a couple of days’ worth of food, and money now for another 10 days. That makes two weeks. I haven’t been able to sell my furniture yet, but it’s still a possibility, and I can sell my fridge. Beyond that, I can’t let myself think about it, it’ll paralyze me.
I know essentially this is not about the money, it’s about my self-esteem, which is directly linked to my entitlement, but a lot of it plays out in the arena of money, so sometimes it gets confusing. I guess the self-esteem comes first, but I’ve seen communities rescue people from the mess of their lives – bankruptcy, tragedies – and give them the money they need to get on their feet.
I’ve seen those people accept that money. I haven’t thought there was anything wrong with it – in fact it’s been pretty moving. So did it rescue them from a journey they’ll have to take anyway, did it enable them to ignore the wake-up call, or did it help to repair self-esteem? I haven’t figured it out yet. The only thing I can be sure of is that the criticism, you are nothing, you are dirt, you are pathetic – it comes from me. It’s still very alive, and very powerful. It’s a demon I haven’t conquered yet.
I don’t want to be rescued from my challenges, I just want to not feel like I’m an orphan in the entire universe. I’ve paid for the mess that my childhood experiences made of my life, we all do. I also paid very harshly for the mistakes I made that led to my bankruptcy and to where I am at the moment. Even though others were involved – I took the fall for it all.
I don’t want to take the fall any more. I don’t want to pay so harshly any more. It’s enough now. Enough punishment, enough deprivation. I need to know and experience the gentleness of life, the fullness and generosity of love, back-up and support.
And I’m not crazy. I’m for more universal support in my journey of emerging healed from what I was born into and transforming what I was given into what I can be. Some of that support is obviously about love; on the material plane, some of that support is about money.