I got a comment from an Anonymous someone, suggesting I stop analyzing so much as perhaps it’s counterproductive. They suggested I try diversionary tactics. Well, I love the fact that I got a response, so for that, thanks.
But – aren’t eating disorders and alcohol and substance abuse about diversionary tactics? What’s the point of diverting yourself from the reality of what’s happening inside you? If it worked, great, but it never seems to for any length of time. If it did, nobody would have eating disorders. There wouldn’t be war or crime or rape or child molestation or abuse. We’d all just be happy.
The only thing that seems to work is dealing with the reality and truth. Let me get off my pulpit and say that that’s what I believe.
I think diversions just push emotions further down, which creates more tension and depression and requires more diversion, which becomes exponentially less effective until BAM! You’re in crisis again. This time it’s a worse crisis, because you didn’t deal with whatever came up earlier. I’ve watched so many people try to divert themselves from their “troubles” and end up having to face them further down the line. I’ve tried it myself.
But I’ll grant that eternal analyzing isn’t the answer either. Is that what this blog reads like? I guess I use my blog to figure things out. I started out learning about life from Catholicism, so this new way that I see things is pretty exciting, and I don’t want to be diverted from either understanding or emotions, frankly, because that’s a direct route to depression for me. Immediate, do not pass go. Have emotion, divert, get depressed, develop compensatory, neurotic behaviors or fall back on ones I’ve already learned.
The only thing I have to go on that what I’m doing works for me is that my life is improving. That’s all I’ve got, but it’s pretty substantial. Used to be inarticulate, massively depressed, emotionally unfluent, to not know I had any creativity or intelligence. Used to not be able to learn on the piano. Etc. All those things have changed, fairly significantly.
I’m just letting it all hang out. And learning that life doesn’t stop, it doesn’t come to an end just because something is difficult to deal with. I’m learning there’s solution. Always. Letting myself be real from day to day.
Once I thought that when my life was sorted out I wouldn’t have highs and lows, and wouldn’t experience life as challenging. Now I realize that the more emotionally fluent and aware I become, the more life impacts on me: I don’t feel less, I feel more! The difference is that it doesn’t flatten and disable me the way it used to. Maybe going up and down like a yo-yo is about being alive.