I started this blog on Oct 11 2009. I’d wanted to do it for ages, needing to speak out. I was computer illiterate, didn’t have internet connection, and internet cafes terrified me. Everything terrified me, mind you.
But the pressure of needing to speak out got so great that one day I just did it. I had thought the whole thing would be impossibly difficult, but it was pretty much the same as when I first used an electric drill. I was scared of this?
I was so scared of doing something wrong that I deleted my post by mistake, so my very first post was lost to the world. Alas. I couldn’t remember what I had said, either. Something about that I had spent 6 years not wanting to be in the world, wanting to hide from it, after going bankrupt.
Not wanting people in my life. Stay away from me. But life beckoned though my fear, and I succeeded with my second post, heart thudding, hands shaking! It was a most amazing feeling of release. I didn’t know how I was going to let people know that I and my blog were alive, but I felt certain that my days of being so alone in the world were drawing to a close.
It was a small but somehow also giant step. I have been isolated a lot in my life and especially in the preceding year. I hadn’t wanted to be around people, just wanted to be safe from anyone being able to hurt me ever again. I didn’t want to have anything to do with the world. Didn’t watch current movies, didn’t participate in anything.
I could feel myself slam all my doors shut if anybody got too close. It felt as if my life was shutting down piece by piece. It was really scary in some ways, feeling that my life was over. It wasn’t, though, and starting my blog, the first risk I had taken in a long time, was like some part of me responding to the stirrings of spring.
From that point on, even though my financial situation was probably the worst it had ever been (and would get worse before it got better), and my heart had been misbehaving, sometimes quite painfully, somehow I felt sure that things would work out. The audacity of faith. Obama used the term The Audacity of Hope. But I think when hope is audacious it has become faith.
And mine, even though sometimes I wasn’t conscious of it, was very audacious. Biding its time.
- The Audacity of Hope (ekangere.wordpress.com)
- One man’s audacious pursuit of sailing history (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
- The Audacity of Hope – Barack Obama Delivers a Keynote Address at the Democratic National Convention (TrendHunter.com) (trendhunter.com)