More than a year ago, when I started my blog I wanted to be an emotional fluency guru of some sort with my blog as a base. I thought I understood it all so clearly and that my blog would be orderly and brilliantly presented as I moved through my challenges and recorded them. But what I wrote was all over the place, ill-defined ideas that weren’t even connected except somewhere in the recesses of my brain, sometimes too preachy. Often so raw.
Now after all this time, I’ve worked through many of those emotions and the baggage I was still carrying back then. I’m much more focused about my own life, and clearer about how I got to where I am now, and how I get to where I want to go. I’m not paralyzed by my past any more. Well, not so much any way. But now that I’ve got to this place of better clarity and inner freedom, I don’t think after all that I’d make a very good guru. I’m not perfect enough.
Well actually it’s more that I don’t want to be perfect. I’m never the same from day to day. Happy and fulfilled today, angry and resentful tomorrow, pleased as punch with myself and my life the next day, loving humanity one moment, defensive as a scratchy cat the next. Gurus seem to know it all and to always be peaceful and calm. I don’t want to be like that. Can’t be anyway.
Maybe I could be a human being guru – how to be yourself and make mistakes and know that it’s okay, you don’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t matter if you don’t “get it right”. I could be the “there is no wrong” guru. There’s no formula to it, no drivers, no injunctions, just being. Just living, being emotionally sensitive, responding in an alive way, really getting your hands dirty in the mucky stuff that is life experienced from moment to moment.
Moving through change, towards a better consciousness of all that is good in life. Waking up to the real quality stuff. Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes it’s utterly divine and clear, sometimes it’s hard and painful and blurry, sometimes it’s unbearable. Sometimes it’s delicious, fun, a laugh a minute.
Remembering as often as possible that there aren’t any mistakes, there’s only learning. You’re never in the wrong place in your life. You can want more, but where you are is the stepping stone to getting there. Who I am are now, today, in this moment, is perfect for now, for today, for this moment. And knowing that life lived on a material level just isn’t that easy and smooth. In fact sometimes it’s pretty uncomfortable and flawed and challenging. Just because something is uncomfortable, though, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
All these ideas would be what I’d base my guru-ship on if I still wanted to be one. I don’t any more, though. I think I just want to be me and get on with my life in the best way I can. One thing I can say. The title of my blog is “stepping out of history”. I knew I was in the process of freeing myself from my past, just didn’t realize how much of a distance I still had to go. Today I can see that most of that distance has been covered. I’m proud of that.