Thank you CNN. I logged into WordPress this morning thinking “I’m tired right through to my bones. Had enough. Enough fear, enough of this crap with my mother, enough not having enough money so I’m dependent on her, enough difficult choices to make, enough not knowing which one to make.”
Not even feeling angry about it, too tired to be angry. Maybe that’s a good thing. The thing is, it’s just my relationship with my mother that decimates me and drains me of my will to face challenges and feel great about where I am no matter what my circumstances; to see value in my life.
She has that much power over me. I’ve walked away from her many times. Always because I wanted to repair the past with her, but the outcome was always that she accused me of being terribly psychologically damaged, that as hard as she tried, she just couldn’t help me.
The worst part of it for me these past 7 or 8 years has been that I depended on her for financial backup, just to stay alive, while I pieced myself together. But the minute I started getting a grip on something, she’d withdrew her financial back-up, and punish me emotionally. It’s happened this time again. We just had a debacle over money that flayed me. It’s enough now, have I said that already?
It’s so weird looking at psychological dynamics in relationships. A part of me can’t quite believe this level of neurosis is happening – not in her, in me. But it is. I guess it’s true to say that my mother isn’t the problem. My dependency on her is. Truth sucks. Unless I walk away, nothing is going to change.
So here I am at the age of 55 finally walking away, inside of myself. Better late than never. I don’t have to make a fuss, I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t let her hurt me any more, and the way she does herself in relationship to me flays me. So I’m just withdrawing. I can’t afford to give myself away for another second. I’ve got a life to build.
Curiously, in a way I also want to leave her in peace. She is who she is. And she has the right to be who she is. The most difficult relationships are always the ones that force you to face up to the responsibility you bear for your own life. Because if you don’t, you don’t have a life!
Well, the point of my introduction to this blog is that when you log onto WordPress, you get to see their 10 or so pick of the day blogs. And the first one was a CNN blog –
It’s going to get better.
This blog is about overcoming obstacles and making dreams come true. Mine are to establish myself as a script, novel and blog writer, and a vocalist, and to be financially independent again. If you’d like to help me achieve my goals, a thousand thanks. Click the Paypal button, and choose your own amount. For more info, click here.