I went on a script-writing course this past weekend, in Johannesburg. It was put on by the NFVF, a government sponsored organization which funds TV, film and documentary development. I’ve submitted 4 different script ideas to them and they’ve rejected them all. Basically they said I didn’t have a clue. But they did offer for me to go on this course. The first time I said go to hell, because I wasn’t looking for a course, I wanted money to survive on so I could write. Or that’s what I told myself…
Second time they offered, ditto. I thought they were biased and prejudiced against women, just couldn’t admit to myself I was scared I wouldn’t understand what they were teaching and that I’d fail. I was so defensive, and always interpreted any kind of input as a personal attack. Afraid of finding out I was really a loser.
Third time round I still I resisted. So trapped inside my own fear of everything – the course, the fellow attendees, even flying… But the part of me that didn’t want to risk finding out I was really a loser and was terrified I’d be betrayed as I was in bankruptcy and wouldn’t be able to hold myself together – that part lost the battle this time. The part that wanted life was stronger. If you don’t risk finding out the worst you can’t find out the best, you can’t realize you’ve changed and that the past is over.
I had the most exceptionally wonderful weekend! My flight was paid for, and we all stayed in fabulous B & B’s. Gorgeous décor, big bed, big bath! We were driven to where the course happened. Looked after. Defensiveness and fear? Gone. The course was exciting, stimulating. The facilitators were knowledgeable, human and considerate. And those of us taking the course were all in the same boat. I felt so safe there, held by people, life and by God / the Universe.
I have a lot to learn and I’m excited about it. The course happens over the next five months, one weekend a month, with loads of work in between. What amazes me about this, and makes me truly grateful, is that this door which has swung wide open into a world with a lot of light and opportunity, has been open for quite a while. But it didn’t close when I wasn’t ready to walk through. It stayed open, even when I tried to shut it!
That tells me you don’t have to be perfect, and that there isn’t just one chance, one opportunity. I’m beginning to wonder if there aren’t open doors all over the place, swinging gently on well-oiled hinges, just waiting for our readiness to walk through. Waiting patiently for us to be able to see them.