I don’t have cancer. I had a very atypical dysplastic nevus, an ugly duckling, but the doc got it all out. I’m exceptionally relieved it wasn’t malignant. But I can’t just forget about it and go on as I was before. It developed in my body because of something. I don’t believe cancer is caused by a gene. I think you can have a genetic tendency for cancer to be the disease of your body’s choice.
But what makes the disease become real? Maybe not listening to what you need right deep in your heart. Instead you say I’ll listen tomorrow, or I can’t afford to listen, I won’t think about it, or I’m not allowed to have what I need, not allowed to ask for it, not allowed to really flourish. You postpone the inner yearning in small things, big things, medium things, every day, every hour, every minute. Not now, you say to yourself. No No No No No.
And the life force within gets dammed up, it can’t flow. Inhibited by distorted ideas of what’s acceptable and what isn’t within society, what makes you a good person, what lets you get to heaven, inadequate permissions, lousy self esteem – refusal to listen to that plaintive cry within please let me live.
It’s the same as saying to a child who’s crying from great distress “shut up, I don’t want to listen. Go sit in the corner where I can’t see you.” The result? Depression, unhappiness. Because we choose non-life. We get all sorts of wake-up calls. Emotions for a start. They tell us something’s wrong, but we don’t hear. We get aches and pains, we’re unhappy, uninspired, tired, worn down. Still we don’t listen. The last thing we’ve got that can wake us up is that our body gets diseased. It’s the last frontier. After that it’s death.
Which I don’t believe is the end of everything, but it is the end of this time round. Well, I don’t think I’m heading there yet. But I got a very potent wake-up call. You can’t postpone any more. Don’t take this lightly. The doctor said to be vigilant. Obviously I’m going to be aware of any new growths, but I’m not focusing my attention on cancer. I’m focusing it on life. My vigilance is going to be about Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes, in response to the most important things. The small ones, the big ones, the medium ones, from moment to moment. Not tomorrow, not later this afternoon. Now.
In general, this blog is about the pursuit of dreams. Mine are to establish myself as a vocalist, script & blog writer & novelist, & to earn by doing something meaningful. I need help with some things. Click here to read more about my dreams and what I need.