I’m flogging a dead horse here, but something is still on my mind. A while ago somebody said my blog is boring. I thought I’d got over it, but obviously I didn’t, because I haven’t wanted to write anything since then. I’ve felt so ashamed of myself. Couldn’t imagine why anybody would want to read my blog – haven’t even wanted to read it myself.
So was that person wrong to say what they did? Of course not. They aren’t responsible for my raw nerve. And I didn’t realize that old belief (that if I’m real I’m worthless and what I contribute is meaningless) is still so alive and easily activated. How could I have known that part was still so active if I hadn’t been told I was boring?
If I was sure I was okay, the words wouldn’t have resonated. I’d have laughed or come back with a quippy retort; never given it another thought. Wouldn’t it be great to be that innerly strong. Well, at least now I can do something about it. The hard things are the most precious gifts.
I wonder if anybody’s that strong? Probably not, it’s probably a pretty human condition that we all wrestle with, more or less. I watched some American film actors talk about auditions – Robert de Niro, Meryl Streep, Bill Nighy, Susan Sarandon, Dustin Hoffman to name a few. I respect those people for what they’ve accomplished, and how they’ve weathered their storms. They all said auditions are a nightmare.
And they all said you can’t try to please people, can’t force them to like you or your performance. You have to be yourself and do your best. Some will love you, some won’t. When they don’t, you learn not to make it about you. And at least you have the knowledge that you stayed true to yourself. What’s the point of being anything if you’re aren’t being true to yourself? Easy to say, difficult to do, especially when starting out on a journey, no matter what it is. Difficult but not impossible. And it’s a learning curve.
As for where I’m going with my blog, dreams, and desire to be independent and earn doing something meaningful; to make my life whole again, I can’t say what the destination is. I can’t say I’ll please anybody, or that I’ll achieve fame and fortune. I can only say that it’s a learning curve because there isn’t a formula to follow. There isn’t one for anybody.
Everybody’s lives, desires and dreams are unique and meaningful to them. I’m doing the best I know how with mine, and that best is constantly under review as I move up the learning curve. I’m sure we’re all doing the same.
Click here to read what my dreams are, and what this donate button is about.