Three days ago I woke up with pain behind my ear and in my eye socket. Realized it was coming from a mole which I’ve had for years. Suddenly it was on fire. I looked up moles on the internet, and it seemed mine was of the sort that can be melanomic. Last night I examined myself and saw scores of the bloody things.
So off I trotted to a dermatologist today. Cancer in my family abounds. Strangely, I felt calm, and kind of smiled at a song I made up the other day, just playing around. Life On The Other Side. Did you ever wonder what it’s like / on the other side? / Did you ever sit and worry / what happens when I die? / Well I can tell, it’s not so bad / yes, I promise you / don’t have to feel so sad… Anyway, I sort of reassured myself, if it’s going to happen, I’ll deal with it in the best way I can.
The dermatologist was the most beautiful woman. Young, loves her job, warm, smart, down to earth, just helping out today. That made my smile. My lucky day. She examined me, said I have quite a lot of something or other that could become cancerous, so she liquid nitrogenned them immediately. I shrieked and yelled even though it wasn’t really hurting, and she didn’t mind. She was just gorgeous.
Then she said “okay, this one I don’t like”. So she dug it out. Talking to me, telling me what she was doing, getting me all fascinated. Very gentle, very good at it. She showed it to me. It was about two millimeters wide. I said “I can’t believe it. A thing this small could kill my whole body. My whole me?” It was amazing. I wasn’t scared, because at that size it’s unlikely to have metastasized – gone into my blood – but it’s potential was awesome. Pity we can’t harness cancer cells.
She said quite simply “yes it can”. I went quiet inside. If it’s cancer, what am I feeding so much energy to? What is it about the way I’m living my life that’s encouraging the virulent spread of non-life? I’ll get back to you on that. The doctor took out the mole behind my ear as well and sent the two off to the lab. Said she’d phone me personally as soon as she gets the results. If they’re cancerous, then I have to have bigger chunks of flesh excised.
I don’t have the money for it, but I’m not going to cross that bridge until I have to, except to remember something that Sr. Flo said (she taught me at school, and has commented here): know that you are loved and a beloved. The way I was treated today, with respect, care, gentle humor and expertise, was a sure sign of that.
But I’m going to think about that question I asked myself. I mean, I do anyway, but it never hurts to dig a little deeper. When you get a wake-up call like this, everything pales in significance beside the most intrinsic qualities of life. You look to the core of your heart, body, mind and soul, you listen to the call of life. I’ve been given an immeasurable gift, regardless of what happens beyond this point.
I want to establish myself as a vocalist, a script & blog writer & a novelist & to earn by doing something meaningful. If you’d like to help (donation, equipment you don’t use any more, or suggestions) click here to read more.