The day I worked out how to record, two things happened. I thought I would blast through the atmosphere with excitement at techno achievement; and I wanted to die when I heard what I sounded like, because it was horrible, horrible horrible. A bubble I didn’t even know I was in burst. The truth was a shock. The worst thing was, I sounded false. Aaargh.
I wasn’t being who I am when I was singing. I was afraid that who I am isn’t good enough so I was trying to be, at different times, like Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Dinah Washington, Bessie Smith, Diana Ross, even Dionne Warwick. An impossible task. But all that time, the part of me that wants to express through singing was getting smaller and smaller, until I didn’t even know if it existed at all. Couldn’t find it.
I hadn’t realized this was happening, until I heard myself. Then I thought – but that isn’t me. And I wasn’t sure I knew who me was. Correction, I absolutely didn’t know. So I let myself not know.
I recorded reading that day’s blog, and let that be enough. Had loads of fun. Over the last couple of days, with a lot of help, I’ve decided to let myself be, and not try to be anybody else, not try to achieve. Just come home within and be absolutely real. I decided I won’t try to force the singing me to emerge. If it happens it happens. I let go.
I reviewed my idea of what singing with emotion is. People always make such a big deal about that, and I confused it with volume and technique. Truth is, I didn’t really know what the hell they were talking about. I was singing from my head, not my heart, and I didn’t realize it until I heard what I sounded like. I wondered what my kind of singing sounds like, feels like.
This morning I was sewing and thinking about the recording of my blog and a v. short bit of singing I did, tongue in cheek. A couple of lines of a song popped into my head. I started recording and the rest of the song popped out. It’s quite a short song, but it was real. It’s called “Life on the other side”. My voice sounded so different. Still wasn’t polished or anything, but it sounded like a me I’ve never heard before.
The truth does set you free after all.
I want to establish myself as a vocalist, a script & blog writer & a novelist. I also long to be independent again, earning by doing something meaningful. If you’d like to help (with a donation, or if you have equipment you don’t use any more, or even if you have suggestions) Click here to read more about what I need help with, and also what my dreams are, how I got here and where I’m going.