I suppose it’s pretty normal to want to do something but be clueless and believe you can never figure it out. I thought I’d never be able to understand the terminology of home recording, what software to download, how to use it, how to understand the manual. The list of technical necessities has seemed endless. But all the things I couldn’t do, I’ve seen that others can, and with ease.
So it wasn’t likely they were insurmountable obstacles. Intellectually I could see that, but emotionally and practically? Life at an intellectual level is very easy, there’s no consequence to anything, and no challenge. But life at that very mundane and physical level, where you actually act and everything has a consequence, is another story.
I wanted to do something, but my ignorance seemed to be prohibiting me. The clash between the two – and not knowing what questions to ask, not having resources to pay somebody to teach me – created a pretty uncomfortable crisis. I floundered, I faltered, I had temper tantrums, I cried, I got scared, I lost faith, I questioned the universe and judged myself. At times I wanted to give up singing altogether.
But here’s the pretty amazing thing about life: when you’re coming from a place of absolute ignorance but powerful desire, somehow you nose your way around to finding the exact help that you need – even when you can’t identify it beforehand. You don’t find it with your intellect. It’s as if your desire is like water, it flows around obstacles, carrying you towards a solution that isn’t of your making, but is a perfect response to the call of your heart – or is the answer to the question you don’t really know how to ask! You can feel as if you’re faltering, and believe you’re getting nowhere, but it’s never true. When you look back, you realize that.
I don’t think it’s possible to get nowhere. I think all the time we’re alive our hearts and souls are speaking to us, directing us, even in the most mundane material / physical things, even when we’re not so good at listening. We hear them in the best way we know how at every given moment. Which is probably enough. Probably we don’t need to be more than we are to be able to find all the help in the world that we need and to achieve what we desire. Probably we’re not alone.
Abby Lincoln sings a beautiful song “Throw it away”. There’s a hand that rocks the cradle / and a hand to help us stand / with a gentle kind emotion / as it moves across the land / And the hand’s unclenched and open / gives supply to every thing / So keep you hands wide open / if you’re needing anything.
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