I once read a thesis on fear of success. It didn’t make any sense to me. Please, I thought, why would anybody be afraid of success? I’d spent 28 years trying to follow my heart and make serious dreams come true. It seemed success wasn’t part of my blueprint, but I longed for it, wasn’t afraid of it. It never occurred to me that I was making a core decision to not succeed, not shine, not compete. I didn’t know of the concept of denial.
The fear that comes up when you start acting on your desire to shine isn’t just about fear of rejection, although that’s there. It’s horrible when people say I don’t like you or what you do. I mean yesterday I found out that somebody I thought I was friends with removed herself from my Facebook friends list.
I experienced it as such a slap in the face. Worse, I hadn’t heard from her for a while, and sent a message saying “at first I thought it was just that you didn’t like me” just trying to be humorous. Boy did that fall flat. Obviously she doesn’t like me! Don’t know what I did wrong. Can’t know, unless she wants to tell me. The rejection was hard, it hurt.
Step it up a notch, to exposing your heart and soul publicly and singing to a group of people and the idea of rejection is v. scary! But I tell you, it’s nothing in comparison to my terror of what will happen to me if I really openly and actively promote myself. I have a visceral reaction. They’ll hate me, they’ll punish me, I’ll get smashed to pieces, they won’t let me in. A chorus of witches chanting bloody nuisance, god you’re irritating, go away, you again? about captures it. Gaaahhh.
Whoo boy. Well, when fear is showing itself it’s a good thing, at least you can do something about it when you can see it. It means you’re really on the road, not just dreaming about it. Dreaming is good to do in the beginning, but you can’t stop there. It’s safe, there aren’t any consequences and you don’t meet your demons. But unfortunately “no consequences” also means no experiences, no connection, no life.
For information about this donate button, click here