Bought the cable, and today I download the software and start playing around. Wish new things didn’t scare me, wish I could just get straight to how thrilling they are. How scary can it be to download software and figure out how to use it? At least I know where to plug in the cables, that’s something, right?
Fear has been my intimate, unwelcome and definitely uninvited companion all my life and I. Am. Sick. Of. It. Fear of what? Well, it defies logic and even definition, just something that pervades my being like a poisonous gas. Mind turns to soda water, knees to jelly, bowels to – you don’t want to know. Can’t think, just want to run away. From the thought of downloading software and working out how to use it? Frankly, yes. Bloody hell. No wonder the thought of singing on stage terrifies me. That’s why I want a mentor. It’s just cause I don’t have anybody to guide me. Being alone? Bloody scary.
Thank god the idea of singing eventually on stage also excites me otherwise I’d hide in a cupboard for the rest of my life and get pale and pasty and brain and body muscle-atrophied. Gaahhh. Actually, sometimes the thought of doing it doesn’t scare me – yesterday I was envisioning a kind of get-together of people who write on Searchwarp. It would probably be in Texas, and I thought, hey, I could sing for the event. The fantasy was rather thrilling, so I’m not totally phobic.
I realized this morning that I’ve been driving myself with a whip – metaphor, you understand, not really into Catholic-type S & M. So the pressure’s mounting and internal criticism’s getting heavier and more potent, fear is on the rampage and I’m getting less and less inspired and doing less and less of anything. Completely wiped out. Something’s gotta give. Need to block out the achievement thing for a while, and get back to the simple pleasure of doing. Don’t have to do everything every day. Do have to trust that there’s enough time.
Trust that everything happens under grace and in a perfect way.
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