I got the response I needed yesterday to restore well-being. I needed to hear I love you and to be told I’m okay for who I am in this moment now, that the messages from the past aren’t the truth, that I can overcome them. Today I can still feel them resonating, but they don’t have the power they had yesterday.
It’s hard to acknowledge vulnerability. Ingrained into those old messages is the sneaky one “for god’s sake stop whingeing and whining, other people have it much worse than you; it’s so damn boring when people feel sorry for themselves; nobody’s going to want to hang out with you if you’re so self-obsessed; I don’t have the patience for this; vulnerable = victim” etc. V. strong, those ones, especially the last. Bloody hell.
Yesterday, once I’d had the responses I needed, I could feel the old ideas within doing battle with the new ones. The old are ingrained, massively habit-driven and feel comfortable and safe at some level. But they stop you from flourishing, having healthy relationships, establishing boundaries and your own turf, from everything that is about fulfilling dreams. They stop you from even having fun. They feel like death.
I felt as if I was standing on the edge of insanity as the internal battle raged. The battle of the ideas that defined my world for 45 years (you’re nobody), and the new ones which are about 10 years old (you’re as much a somebody as everybody else).
But strong, ingrained and habit-driven as old ideas are, and powerful as the early experiences that created them were, they’re not more powerful than the part of us that needs to live. I think I have to choose, though, life over death, which means I have to recognize death and figure out what life is.
In big and small things, I have to consciously reject death and reach for life. It’s different for everybody, but I’m able to choose life when I get receiving unconditional love. It’s the power switch. Well, I can’t receive unless I ask. I can’t ask unless I know I need. I can’t know I need unless I feel. I can’t feel unless I listen.
So, back to singing, writing, playing piano. Back on track. I don’t really need singing lessons, especially with someone who isn’t bubbling with life and enthusiasm. I do need to be moving forward in a direction that keeps my own bubbling alive.
It seems to make more sense to buy whatever those things are that you download music from the internet onto, than to get CDs. And to maybe buy home recording studio thing. That lets me listen to lots, do my singing, mix it, get backing tracks from internet, put it on my blog. Possibly even make my own demo cd. Sounds like a lot of fun.
I’m not having much fun just singing along and doing exercises. Need the fun, need to engage that part. So I need to do new costing of all that stuff.
If yesterday’s crisis was about learning that it’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to reach out, it’s okay to receive; and also seeing the reality of that teacher’s attitude and unenthusiasm and how it crushes me; and finally experiencing love, and seeing that there’s another road to take, then it was a day well spent.
Thanks to everybody who responded so generously and warmly.
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