It’s thrilling taking a risk, and doing something I’ve been afraid will heap criticism on my head and make people despise me. Listening to what I need and letting that be more important than my fear of displeasing others. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what people think. Some will accept me and some won’t, as they’re entitled to. That speaks about them, not me.
I’ve never been able to actually know that it’s okay, because I’ve never risked taking the action. I’ve stayed engaged in should I shouldn’t I. My god it’s been torturous. The prison of mental debate. It’s the worst place to be, you can never reach resolution. Action, that’s the thing.
So now that I’m taking action, a lot of those messages keep popping up at odd moments and totally uninvited. They get a temporary hold, but that’s about it. Today at least I can see them for what they are – Catholic leftovers. Be a good girl and don’t ask for anything, give your life away, don’t think for yourself, and don’t make God angry or even irritated. Don’t have a life. That combined with leftover messages from a social and familial culture where boys are important and girls are not, and a family rule that says my mother’s needs are paramount and beside her I don’t exist.
Those messages don’t have so much power any more, they’re kind of deflated and miserably scrawny things. Starved of attention from me. See them shrivel and die.
Yes, there’s a lot to be said for action. Speaking of which, today I must phone recording studio man and find out about: i) demo cd, ii) how to record for my blog, iii) sitting in on recording sessions. Right. Make those phone calls, Jennifer. Other actions: sing, play piano, post this blog, write and post article promoting blog, upgrade blog bio, write press release for IdeaMarketers and article for Searchwarp and post, do work on script, go for walk to buy milk and experience sun on face, finish bag that I started yesterday which isn’t Gucci but is pretty classy if I say so myself.
I found an old US$1 note which I brought back from my last trip there. I’ve changed the numbers to US$1 million. No harm in having a bit of fun. So long as I’m also doing the action. Gotta go. Phone calls to make, things to do.
p.s. What’s the point in finding out the cost of all the things I need if I can’t afford them? It’s the first action step. I need to know. There was a time when I said “I wish I could have these things but I know I can’t because I don’t deserve, so I’m not even going to see how much they cost – what’s the point?”.
Now I’m saying “this is what I need, and this is what it costs”. I don’t know where the money will come from, but I’m not going to let that stop me from doing whatever I can and from believing that I can access what I need. Solutions come from round the corner, you never see them coming. They’re always a surprise. What’s the point in believing they can’t happen when they can, and making yourself miserable for nothing?