Went shopping this morning, for items that have become luxuries: dishwashing liquid! washing powder! new dishwashing sponges! rubber gloves!!! deodorant! Aaaaahhhh. V. digusting washing dishes for a month with no dishwashing liquid and old smelly sponge. Same goes for sheets. Well, didn’t try to wash them with smelly sponge, just couldn’t wash them. Eugh.
That’s the good news. The bad news is that money worries aren’t over, as there isn’t enough work with this job I got to even sustain me. Gaaahhh. Just enough for basic food, nothing for rent and everything I need for dream enablement. Doom and gloom trying to hover. I banish them. Out damned spots!
In the supermarket today oh boy did I long to buy food that I couldn’t afford. Oooh my word. Probably just the marketing, though. Well, I let myself buy a v. small bar of Lindt dark intense chocolate with orange for $1. Hah! And also let myself spend $10 on two pieces of fake leather to make 2 handbags so I don’t walk around like a bag lady. Oh, bought toilet paper too. V. indulgent day.
The fancy food can wait. At least this way I don’t get fat, and don’t have to do gym. Don’t really care too much about food anyway. So I tell myself. Of course it’s absolute BS. Lots of fruit, salmon, vegetables, fish, couscous, brown rice, even tofu why not, cheese – aahhh, brie! – alright, alright, enough of that now. Not today, honey, but some day, yes.
At least earning some money, and have proper bank account. Yes, things are working, shall let myself believe that. Nobody and nothing can stop me singing, playing piano and writing. In case you’re listening, though, God or Universe, it’s not enough.
Well, I bought airtime, so can call the recording studio fellow on Monday, and start costing things. Piano tuning, demo cd, backing track cd, music sessions with Michelle Maxwell if possible, stage dancing lessons, dvd’s of performers, cd’s that I need to buy so I can listen. Paper and printer cartridge, sending script to Charlize Theron et al.
Time to work now. Then sing and play piano. Script can wait ‘til tomorrow. Spent too much time doing the washing and the dishes. Love those rubber gloves, though. Pretty soon I’ll have tea and 4 squares of intense dark orange chocolate. Yes, life is good, life is okay. Things will work out. Don’t have to be spiritual, don’t have to be perfect.
Having hard time visualizing people saying “I’d love to help you”. Get images instead of “who do you think you are?” and being alone and abandoned. Oh. Have to work on that. I really need some help here to turn things around.
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