Lately I’ve been sometimes bothered about the title of my blog – or, what’s the word? – torn? Yes, that’s it, but a more interesting word than that one. Never mind. Torn it is. When I started, I was in the thick of a spectacularly stubborn impasse, feeling hugely disempowered, being super-dependent, becoming super-aware of my inner critic and the warped ideas that are hard-wired into my being. Facing very uncomfortable truths.
The word I was looking for is conflicted! Aaaaaaaaahhhhh. V. Satisfying to suddenly retrieve lost word. But I digress.
The past seven months – oops, ten months – have been filled with epiphanies, dark tunnels, moments of wild inspiration and thrill at being alive, potholes, rage tantrums, crying jags, plateaux, rants against members of my family, rage against god and the universe, confusion, moments of clarity, of absolute certainty that I’m effecting huge change within, building a foundation.
Time rushing by at the speed of light, my heart getting out of control. Wildly angry angry angry, sore, discontented. Feeling lost. Terrified I’d end my life saying “I tried to change but I couldn’t do it”. Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Scary times. Inspiring times. Alive times.
So far I’ve been very sure what my blog is about – articulating this process for myself so I can see it. But something feels as though it’s changed radically. For a while haven’t felt like writing about it, not on a daily basis. It may be time to get down and write the book, so it’s all out in one place. Tell the story and be done with it. I’ve tried writing that book a gazillion times, and couldn’t. I’ve had lots of theories about the why of everything, but I haven’t been resolved about it. Too sore, too angry and scared. Probably still too trapped.
Now? I’ve got a better understanding of my place in it all. I wouldn’t be writing the book to blame or punish anybody but to show my understanding of what caused my crisis, and how it lead to understanding what prohibits development of potential.
Hah! Hahahahahahah! Success! Have truly become woman of substance, am finally really Turning My Life Around and Stepping out of History. Feel v. calm and beatific. Well, not really calm. Not v. good at calm.
Thing is, what about the title of my blog? It’s ironic: when I started, nobody saw the title as meaning “figuring out what went wrong and what part you unwittingly played, then learning how to change so the present and the future can be different”. Seemed logical to me. I thought everybody would say oh I know what that means. Well, when I first Googled the title about 6 months ago, all the search results were about history. 125,000,000 of them.
Now most of the first page of those results are either articles of mine or my blog. And now I ‘m not sure any more that I can justify the title for ever! Hmmm. Probably don’t have to worry too much. Probably haven’t reached penultimate ephiphany state yet. Probably never will.