The topic of rescue money has been on my mind. You don’t have money? Hey, the problem is with making it. It makes sense to say that. I thought for the longest time that if only I had money I’d be okay.
Which is practically a world view. But truthfully? I’m pretty sure it’s the other way round. If I was okay with myself and had entitlement I’d have money. I’d be able to earn it doing something that fulfilled me.
So I’ve come to think money is actually a symptom of the status of self-esteem and entitlement. If you can’t make money, you’ve got lousy entitlement and self esteem. If you can make money, you’ve got good entitlement – although not necessarily good self esteem. I know plenty of people who have tons of money and are incredibly unhappy and don’t believe in themselves at all. So their money doesn’t avail them one bit – in fact, it hurts them, because they use it to try and fill the self-esteem gap.
We all know that. Yes?
First prize is to go for repairing self esteem, because that’s the whole package, it includes entitlement. I’m all for first prizes. Of course, they take the most work, the most investment.
Here’s the thing, though. Challenges, no matter what they are – money, relationships, work – are very painful and uncomfortable, and it’s an instinctive thing to want to be rescued out of them. I’m in an abusive relationship with a man? If only I could meet someone who would treat me right. I have a horrible job? If only I had a good job my life would be better. I have no money?
Right, I’m flogging a dead horse. I’ll stop now.
I suspect we want to be rescued when we don’t believe we can make our own money. You don’t know where your power is, or how to access it. You tell yourself anything to justify your desire for rescue. It’s understandable, and not something to be judged and blamed for, but heaven help you if you act on it!
The strange thing is, I never once saw somebody who received magnanimous “rescue help” from communities or make-over shows look as if it made them feel good within themselves, proud of themselves. They always looked kind of ashamed. I didn’t get it at first. I thought what the heck is wrong with them? Can’t they just celebrate?
Then I thought I’d try it myself. I thought I’d start a blog and see if people read it and responded. But I hit something in me. In my fantasy I wanted relief but in reality I couldn’t get myself to write a blog that said brother can you spare me a dime.
In the end I decided not to do it until I got clearer. Which thankfully, happened.
I know in my heart of hearts that my own situation isn’t about bad luck and coincidence, it’s about disempowerment. People behaved badly towards me, but I let them because I didn’t know how to defend myself. You can live in denial for so long but eventually you’re brought to your knees – not by the world or other people or bad luck, but by your own inability to live life in a way that can let you flourish. That includes your ability to make money in a sustainable way doing something that’s meaningful.
The truth of what you’re not good at doing is not a nice thing to face!!! Rescue allows you to run from it. But it’s pointless, because you end up on your knees again. I’ve seen it over and over, in myself and in other people. You long for rescue and it’s really painful and hard to see the truth of the part you’re playing, but until you face your truth you don’t start learning how to do yourself and your life differently. It’s a most unfortunate and irritating reality.
You do have to stay alive, so if you’re not able to make enough money for that you have to ask, have to swallow your pride and face your shame and humiliation. Have to let people give, so that you can learn to receive. I’ve had to do that with my mother. It’s brought me to a clear understanding of the dynamic of my relationship with her, which is useful, but the money doesn’t make me feel good or proud of myself. It doesn’t even bring relief.
Curiously, I see now that I wanted the anonymity of help from people I didn’t know because then I wouldn’t have to ask my mother and deal with my relationship with her, and because then I wouldn’t have to face and deal with my shame. The money just kind of rolls in if it’s not a direct, personal thing. You don’t have to look at your truth, don’t have to be accountable. Well, that’s what it would have been for me.
I understand why people want to be rescued. I know that space intimately. I’ve often cursed the part of me that hasn’t been able to draw a really great rescuer! Why bloody not? But actually – akshally – I see it now as a protection. I don’t want one. I want my life.
Rescue of any sort never did anything but prolong the agony, and disempower me more. That which furthered me the most was reaching for therapeutic help to understand my own disempowerment and repair my self esteem and entitlement; to learn a better way of doing myself and life and how to be accountable for myself.
I reckon that if a person’s life keeps ending up in a pit, and they’re reaching for rescue money but they aren’t going to therapy to learn how to be personally accountable, that money ain’t going to go nowhere but down the drain.