I took the train to therapy, or halfway there and walked the rest of the way. It’s a beautiful day today, calm, warmish. I felt very at peace with the world walking to the station. On the train two young South African guys came in and sat down, and were just talking to each other.
Quite often South African men and boys, are kind of macho and defensive, and I hate watching them and listening to them. I long for them to just be.
Well, these two guys – not boys but not men yet either – were just being. It was amazing to be in their presence, and hear them really talk to each other about simple stuff. No barriers, no mask of bravado.
As the train rolled through fields of what looks like wild cane, I felt a peace descend on me, a kind of inner resolution with living in this country, which after all is where I was born. It has represented so many things that I hate – emotional unfluency, racism, unwillingness or inability to embrace a bigger idea about life, stultifying suburbia, the division between huge wealth and rank poverty. The power and importance men have, no matter what race. How that which is of intrinsic value is sacrificed to status quo.
But when I got off the train at the halfway mark and walked the rest of the way, taking in the quite phenomenal beauty of the hills with sandstone outcrops, I thought this is also my land, it also belongs to me. I guess I let myself feel my roots.
I’ve resisted letting myself love that which touches my heart, but today I let it in. I heard myself say that there is that in my world which violates my sense of a life full of possibilities for myself and those around me, but there’s also more. I can put up barriers to that which stifles life, I don’t have to let it in, don’t have to participate.
However I do want to be open to that which is beautiful here, in people and in the land. In any case, if I can’t see it here, I won’t be able to see it anywhere else, either.