My gut is in a knot. Bile rises up in my throat at what I’m doing with affiliate marketing. Why do I feel like I’m selling my soul? Because I’m doing something I hate, I’m on the periphery of an industry that I abhor. I’ve said it before, it’s a shark feeding frenzy and I’m swimming with the sharks, trying not to get bitten, trying not to be a shark myself.
I watched Oprah yesterday, for the first time in quite a while. It was good to be reminded that my reason for writing at all is to write about the things that are meaningful in life. I want to be one of the writers who exposes cons – which I think affiliate marketing largely is.
Am I just being super-moral and Catholic? I can’t really tell, I just know what bile tastes like. I also know I need to eat. Sigh.
Ironically, I’m not making any money with affiliate marketing anyway (guess I’m succeeding in not being a shark, which is some kind of small comfort!), but I am having success with writing about what’s meaningful to me. How about that? It’s as if life is saying to me – “forget it, you’re not going to succeed doing something so disgusting to you, something that goes against your grain so strongly”.
The thing is, if I succeeded, would I be seduced into doing more? And how soon would it be before the line between what’s okay and what isn’t got blurry and I slipped across it?
I keep thinking that I have to control how the money comes in, which is why I looked at affiliate marketing in the first place. Actually somebody else offered to buy a product for me and I just began reading around it, and committed myself to it because you can’t succeed in anything unless you commit. I didn’t know what it was about, though. Now that I do – yuck, bile.
Well, my situation is what it is. I don’t have an independent source of income, I did go bankrupt, I am accountable for looking after myself and for living with as much integrity as I can. I’m where I am. Einstein said when you can acknowledge that, is when you can move forward.
I’m willing to accept that for the moment whatever I do to earn might be anathema because what I’m really enjoying doing isn’t bringing in money yet.
It’s just a snapshot, it isn’t going to be like this for ever. It’s important to remember that.
I picked up my script again – mostly because I was getting sick of hucking myself. It’s not as big a mess as I thought it was. I’m nearly finished with the 2nd draft. It’s still way too long, but that’s fine. I’ve ironed out a lot of problems. Forward and onward! Feels good to be doing it again. BIG RELIEF. BIG RELEASE.
No matter what was “done to me”, it’s my life, my destiny. It’s up to me to find what I need so that I can be inspired to keep up with my blog, finish my script, carry on singing, playing the piano, and carry on marketing my completed script. Finish my crime novel. It’s not what happened to you that counts in the end, it’s what you do with it.
Somebody said the biggest events of your life can’t be predicated on the past, because they’ve never happened before. They’re still to come. Right, but you can still believe that they’re going to happen.
At this stage, when nothing is very clear, if it’s not about love, it’s all about faith…