I want to add audio to this. I want sometimes to say what I’m writing out loud, because otherwise how can people know whether I’m being serious or not?
I’m not always, you know. Sometimes I’m being ironic a la Bridget Jones. Today I feel remarkably light hearted and even light headed. Could be the result of eating too many yummy dark chocolates I got as an Easter present.
Well, since today I can’t add audio, I shall have to rely on subtle nuances of the written word. I’m sure to fail.
I feel myself surrounded by people whose lives are more important than mine. People who know more than me, are good at doing things I can’t, have achieved something or other, who own things. People who have nice underwear. People who aren’t all emotional and sometimes confused. People like Einstein. Oh that’s right, he’s dead – and he probably didn’t have nice underwear anyway. Well, living people like him. I feel sure I’m a frivolous, mindless woman who’s throwing her life down the tubes, protesting violently against the vagaries of life and the relentless passage of time.
A year ago, before I started my blog, I thought I understood about emotional fluency, and the meaning of my life, and the direction I was going in. Well, actually, that hasn’t changed; I still think I do, but the stuff I’ve written about is different to what I thought it would be. I thought it be all orderly and neat, well planned and well thought-out.
I think I thought I wanted to be an emotional fluency guru of some sort. But my blog turned out to be something much more human than that. Sometimes what I write is all over the place, too many ill-defined ideas that aren’t even connected except somewhere in the recesses of my brain, sometimes too preachy or utterly inaccessible. I know that. The very opposite of what good writing is supposed to be. Sometimes. Not always. Hopefully.
I don’t think I’d make a very good guru. I’m not perfect enough, I don’t want to be, I’m too aware of all the things there are to learn, how much I don’t know, what I haven’t got my head around. I never seem to be able to be the same thing from day to day. Up and down like a yo-yo. Happy and fulfilled today, angry and resentful tomorrow, pleased as punch with myself and my life the next day, loving humanity one moment, defensive as a scratchy cat the next.
Maybe I could be a human being guru – you know, how to be yourself and make mistakes and know that it’s okay, you don’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t matter if you don’t “get it right”. I could make a good argument for that.
Maybe I could be the “there is no wrong” guru. I like that even more – although I guess it’s the same thing. There’s no formula to it, then, no drivers, no injunctions, just being. Just living, having the adventure of your life, moving towards change, towards a better consciousness of all that is good in life. Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes it’s utterly divine and clear, sometimes it’s hard and painful and blurry, sometimes it’s unbearable. Sometimes it’s delicious, fun, a laugh a minute.
Maybe I don’t want to be a guru at all. Maybe I just want to be me.
And while we’re on the subject, my therapist reminded me today – there aren’t any mistakes, there’s only learning. I had forgotten. You’re never in the wrong place in your life. You can want more, but where you are is the stepping stone to getting there. Doesn’t everybody need to know that? That who they are now, today, in this moment, is perfect for now, for today, for this moment? Well, I do. I need to know that this moment I have everything I need to get to the next moment. Even if what I have (or don’t have) is very uncomfortable.
Just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Hold onto that thought.