This blog has had 170 readers this month! Now that may not seem a lot to all you SEO high power Internet Magnates, but to me it’s a Yeehah moment. Especially considering my highest month before this was December last year, at 57 or something.
When it doesn’t seem like anything is going right, some things are actually going right, you just can’t see them – or they don’t seem relevant, that’s more like it. They get swamped.
I’ve spent the last week feeling isolated and overwhelmed. And in that state, I didn’t realise how much I was in default mode, or that I was the one isolating myself. I didn’t realise that the people who love me didn’t go away, I went away. How can you not see that in yourself? It always baffles me.
I did that when I was a child. I just withdrew. Well, back then I was powerless to change what was going on in my life, and withdrawal was about the only option I had.
But I’m not a child any more nor am I powerless.
You don’t have to withdraw. Actually you have to not withdraw, that’s more to the point. Withdrawal is a kind of control, I guess, totally counter-productive, like most control mechanisms. It’s a bit like getting into a skid, you want to apply the brakes but you have to do the opposite. It’s definitely like learning to ski – you have to learn to let yourself lean forward. There’s no part of your being that can understand that!
Exactly at the moment when you want to turn away from people is when you must turn towards them. You get afraid that you’ll drag somebody down, that’s why you don’t reach out, but it doesn’t have to be about that at all. If somebody reaches out to you don’t you open up your heart without a second thought? It’s about wanting to know somebody loves you. Somebody cares. And that you’re not a prize idiot. Not alone.
If you don’t do it, once you start pulling away, it can spiral out of control, and the world can become a dark place, where things seem much worse than they are, where old ghosts haunt with a venom and seem incredibly real. And then once you’ve crossed a certain threshold it’s hard to get back out into the light. So best not to go there in the first place.
I’m not saying take a pill or don’t feel. I’m just saying pay attention so you can meet the need before it gets out of hand. If you have a child who’s frightened and you don’t hold it and talk to it and assure it that it’s safe and you won’t leave, the child will get hysterical.
Have to hear the child within.
I was watching Leverage tonight, and one of the characters had to take on some violent opponent. He said “you can’t control the violence [in others or the world]. The only thing you can control is what’s in here” and he pointed to his heart.
That’s about it. I took that to mean you can protect your sacred space, your right to enjoy life no matter what. I thought, no matter what’s going on around you, no matter how out of control your financial situation seems, what’s in your heart is yours alone, you can learn to protect it. If you can’t see your way, at least remember to reach out for the light switch. There may have been a time in childhood when that dark place was a comfort, but once you’re an adult, it isn’t any more.
It’s funny. Money hasn’t been very easily within my reach – to put it mildly – but people are, now. I have people in my world who are fundamentally caring at heart. Fun to be with. Easy to have fun with. Who aren’t going to walk away, don’t need to. Maybe they’ve always been in my world, maybe I just haven’t been able to open the door.
Not having enough money is absolutely nothing in comparison to not having enough connection. The money deprivation is frightening, and frustrating. The connection deprivation starves you completely, makes you not want to live. That’s not good. I feel kind of shocked at the place I went to.
It happens over and over again – the money crisis highlights vulnerability and raw spots. I may not be able to do much about the money – I mean beyond what I’m doing – but I can do something about my vulnerability. I can listen better. I can not let myself be beseiged by old ideas and beliefs. Ah well, three steps forward, sometimes two steps back – never three, and definitely never four.
On which profound note I’m going to sleep.
Moving from the Dark Ages to the Renaissance.