I had to ask my mother for money yesterday. I didn’t have anything else I could do – or that I could think of. I had to accept that I hadn’t been able to learn fast enough with internet marketing to be able to generate the $800 I need for a month. I’ve applied for a score of writing jobs through all the freelancer sites and didn’t get anything there either.
I knew I’d done the best I knew how. But I felt pathetic. I dreaded calling her.
She made me beg. She did everything she could to get me to say “ok it doesn’t matter”. A part of me separated out and watched with astonishment. Then she said very reluctantly she could help me with $150 – which wouldn’t cover food. That forced me to say I don’t have money for food or rent, I’m afraid and I have nobody else to turn to.
Boy, that was horrible.
She just didn’t care. And I couldn’t say “it doesn’t matter”. I knew she was trying to provoke me to walk away empty handed, but I couldn’t. So I begged.
Even then she was reluctant.
It was revolting.
It’s so strange, how the true dynamic of my relationship with her has becomes clearer and clearer over the past 6 years as it has become reduced to its essential basics.
She’s ultra important and I’m nobody.
She agreed, because she didn’t want to take responsibility for saying no, but I knew the underhanded slap in the face was going to follow. I watched myself do the only thing I could to hold myself intact while I spoke to her – or while I listened to her speaking about how impossibly difficult her life is.
I found that if I barely allowed the sound of her voice in I could hold the hurt off to some extent, so I wrote over and over and over “she’s going to try and find a way to hurt you, don’t let her in” and focused my concentration on that for all I was worth.
It kind of worked. I responded as kindly as I could to her, didn’t let myself be provoked. I didn’t treat her the way she was treating me.
Didn’t completely work, though. I dealt with fall-out today. But not as much as before, and that’s what counts. Progress. just have to say to myself that as soon as I can I’m out of that relationship. I’m working towards financial independence. I’m looking forward to the day I can pay her back every cent she’s lent me.
And walking away.
And I want to say this: for all that my old shame and humiliation and feeling useless and worthless and stupid rise up in my face whenever she does this, I know that I wouldn’t treat a stranger the way she treats me.
I’m glad I’m different.
And on a more positive note, over 2300 people have read my (5) SearchWarp Articles, and I’ve been on the front page quite consistently. I get such great feedback from readers, it’s wonderful. Encouraging, inspiring. What I’ve written has even helped some people – that felt really good, to have some kind of use in the world!
Well, the journey continues. I’m safe for another month (although my mother kept the food money to a very bare minimum!) and I know more now than I did last month. Perhaps I’ll be able to generate that $800 before the end of the month.
And on an even better note, I’m starting to have nice dreams! It’s quite incredible; dreams where there are people in my world who are generous – and who like me! – and where things go right. But get this, sod’s law. I can’t remember the content when I wake up! Never mind, it’s great just to have had the experience of a good dream.
One day I’m going to look back on all of this. Perhaps that day is not so far away.
As somebody said the other day “keep on truckin’ babe!”
That I will.