Does everybody get to a point in their life when they realize their dreams are so far from the current reality? The white picket fence syndrome. Dreaming is easy. The imagination is so fluid and adaptable and can go anywhere. I’ve heard it said that all dreams (longings, desires) are the shadow of the possible reality, and that you can’t dream of something that you don’t have the capacity to make real. Hey, I’ve said it myself.
That idea is comforting when you can’t see your way. I can’t see mine at the moment, and I think it’s just fear of “no money” intruding. It turns my brain into mush; can’t concentrate, can’t focus properly, my body feels wired and completely out of synch. My stomach is in a knot, it’s hard to breathe. I move from one moment of panic to the next, and am reminded of the hacker’s pop-ups – every time I tried to close one, it turned into another. That’s what this fear is doing.
My view of myself is so distorted that I can’t see what I’ve accomplished, how far I’ve come – even though it’s a reality. I suppose it’s because my accomplishments haven’t yet led to any kind of material success. And whether I like it or not – and I don’t – this is where I am. This is the truth of my situation.
Most of the people in my world have got the basic survival thing covered, and have, all their lives. They’ve been able to avail themselves of opportunites. I haven’t. It is what it is.
Today I have money for food, and I have it for the next 2 weeks, but beyond that there’s nothing that I can see. It’s hard to hold onto my dignity, and to believe that no matter how long I’ve been wrestling with this challenge of generating money; my future is not written by my past. There will come a day when I’ll get it right. There’ll come a day when I too can avail myself of opportunities. I know it’s about self-esteem and healing it. There are times when the reality of mine still shocks me – is it possible that it’s so low? Hard to accept the reality of it.
I have to accept it, otherwise I can’t do anything about it. I also have to hold onto the idea that my future isn’t written by my past, otherwise I won’t keep on going. I have to not listen to the pop-up messages that torture me – I’m a fool, I’m a deluded idiot, I’m stupid, I’ve accomplished nothing, I’m a nutcase, I’m societal detritus, my life will never amount to anything…
Difficult times are the times when you need your faith the most. They’re also the times when it’s hardest to believe in yourself. You have to, though. You have to withstand the inner persecution, have to shield yourself from it.
And somehow retain your sanity!!! If you can find your sense of humor it’s a bonus…
So for the rest of today I shan’t let myself think about where my life is going, I shall just be grateful to be alive and able to write and sing and play the piano at the level I’m at, email some friends, write some articles. Post this blog. Go for a walk. These simple things have not been taken away from me. I can’t afford to think about my future today, or about what will happen in two weeks time. I can’t let the persecuting thoughts have control over me. It’s a choice.
When your vision is cloudy and your belief is under siege, the best you can do is not think, and stay as close to the present as possible. Small steps.
Whatever I do, I’m not giving in. Imagine if these were my last moments alive and I spent them believing my life could go nowhere, that it had no value? What a flipping waste!!!