Hate chasing money but glad to be alive


Here’s the news.  I…don’t…like…chasing…money…for…money’s sake.  I know, it’s old news.  But I still need to say it.

I FRIGGING HATE IT.  It turns life into a monotone of the worst kind.  Grey, lifeless, worthless, pointless.  All the stories, all the cliches, the biblical tales, the movies, the books, the inspirational speakers, the preachers that/who say don’t chase money, chase your dreams, follow your heart, do the things that make you feel whole – they all know what they’re talking about.

On the mark.

Never mind what they say even, what about what I say?  It’s not about the money.  Life is not about the money, and if I want to stay fully  – emphasis on fully – alive I can’t confuse the two.

Crap.  Life is so important to me – quality of life, integrity, entitlement, fulfillment, the good things.  Yet here am I putting my toes into a bog of a world that contradicts everything I believe in and feeling like I’m getting sucked down.  I must be mad.

I JUST CAN’T SEE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO.  I HAVE 4 WEEKS.

4 weeks, life.  Are you listening?  Is this all up to me, or are there bigger forces at play here?  It’s easy to believe we’re only co-creators until rent and food money run out!

So then, I have to just say: I shan’t give up, but my god am I open to a better way.  I have to find  – or allow – some way of staying alive and paying rent, but as soon as I can get out of this internet marketing crap world, I’m OUT OF HERE.  I got seduced for a while into thinking “if I just did it for a year I’d make a fortune”.  Yes I did, the bog got me.  But not for long, because I know that in that year my soul and heart would shrivel.   Life would become pointless.  I already know it, it’s happening now.  I don’t need to control my life to that extent, I don’t need an insurance policy in case my dreams don’t come true, in case I can’t get a film made or a book finished and published.  In case I can’t succeed with my blog.

Well, let me qualify that.  Of course I’d love an insurance policy, a safety net, and I’ll gladly accept one if it comes my way or  I can find a way of creating it without hurting myself.  But I don’t can’t compromise for it.  I can’t make that deal.   I can’t say “well, I’ll just chase money for a year or for six months and then I’ll get back to my dreams” because –

Because I might die tonight.  And whether I do or not, I’ll have wasted six precious months.  As it is I’m compromising my horribly to earn basic money.

The best way of knowing whether something is right for you or not is how easy, effortless and enjoyable it is.  The three E’s.  And by effortless I don’t mean you don’t have to work at it; I mean that working at it so pleasurable that the doing uses up energy but it doesn’t deplete you.  Like piano, blog, script, bio.   If I just pay attention to that three E’s formula, it’s a no-brainer, I know what I want to do, I’m willing to work like a dog at them all.   But none of them bring in money – YET –  and I’m having a wee bit of difficulty trusting that if I really give myself to those things, opportunities for money will present themselves, I won’t have to chase them.  I don’t need that much money to survive, let’s face it.  $700 a month.

Talking myself into a circle here.  That $700 is the reason I’m doing the internet marketing.  Logically it seems like the right thing to do, but there’s nothing easy, effortless or enjoyable about it.   It’s hard, it’s soul destroying, it’s eating away at my conscience.   And now that hacker has made it even more difficult.  He or she is hanging around article directory sites, particularly those on masonworld.com, although the owner of that site says he’s checked and there’s no hacker.  Well, honey, there is.  Yesterday, I typed in one of the addresses, and bam!  There the little fucker was. This time I didn’t panic, though, I just switched off straight away.  For some reason I imagine it’s a young school kid just having fun, but maybe it’s something more sinister than that.  Either way, I hope their eyeballs shrivel painfully and slowly and their limbs rot and fall off.   Trouble is, I don’t know if a hacker – or this one in particular – can do any damage, so it’s scaring me.

I would like to close the door on the marketing and say I can’t do this, but I’m not quite ready to do that.  Perhaps I just don’t have enough faith that I deserve a better solution.  I’ll try instead to put up better boundaries, get more organized, so I don’t waste time, separate my heart and soul from how revolting it is.  Can one do that?

Some of the article sites so resonate with me, when they say they don’t want crap, don’t want empty marketing articles, they want content.  Amen to that, I say!   I know how to write content, and I have my blog to write good articles about, articles that are life-promoting.  So I’m going to do that as well.  Don’t know how it can make me $700 a month, though…

Does this blog make any sense?  Who knows.  Can’t see the wood for the trees.

I know this dilemma will resolve and I look forward to that moment or time.  Until it does, I’m not going to let it destroy what is a most beautiful day, clear sky, warm, sunny, calm ocean, just a tinge of cool in the air, a hint of excitement.  I have everything I need for my spirits to soar and for me to be so glad –

– that I’m alive.

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2 thoughts on “Hate chasing money but glad to be alive

    • It’s the hardest thing in the world to determine, isn’t it? On one hand life is such a material thing, and on the other it’s such a soulful heartful thing. I hope I’m en route to finding a balance without giving up what’s most meaningful!

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