My emotions feel anaesthetized. I know they’re all packed in somewhere because yesterday I downloaded what I thought was an article directory site and it was a hacker. A hideous, terrifying picture of an evil face came onto my screen, and the pop-up box had awful messages that just kept coming every time I tried to close it. I realized I had to shut the computer down, but at first I couldn’t. I was so angry I wanted to hurt that hacker. I mean really hurt them. My anger surprised me.
It’s gone today. Can’t feel anything. Today my creative brain feels absolutely dried up today, life looks uninspiring and pointless. And in this sterile environment all the life-destroying elements thrive: imagination creating worst-case scenarios, inner persecution, self-doubt. I feel as if my personality is a blank, and my life has no prospect – no, that’s not a feeling, that’s a thought. My feeling is fear. Today I’m not sure that I’ll ever make it out of this pit. I’m afraid about money also: a month has gone by and I’ve achieved quite a lot, but not enough to have created any income. The days go by so quickly, have I got time to make $700 before the end of March so that I’m safe for April? That fear is a pop-up one. I try not to let it take control of me, and most times I succeed, but it keeps coming back, I have to fight it all the time.
Will I be okay?
And how can I ever have a successful career when I can’t even pay for things like food and rent? I’m not really eating properly, I don’t have enough money for it – many days I catch myself having the debate can I have another slice of toast at breakfast or should I save the bread for tomorrow. I’m losing my appetite. The last few days I’ve had some gastric disturbance anyway. I feel depleted.
My dreams seem very far away today. I feel foolish even having them, given the truth of where I’m at. Dreams like living in a culture I relate to, having a close community, a good relationship, succeeding in reaching lots of people with my blog, having my scripts made into films, my novels accepted for publication – and selling well. Grand piano, my own home, a new car. Money to travel to exotic and far-away and not so far-away places. Perhaps dreams always feel far away when all one has to hold onto is faith. Until they’re realized.
I shan’t give up or collapse, I shall carry on doing what I’m doing, but I’m not enjoying myself today, my vision is clouded.