I feel far away from my blog. I’m not posting every day the way I was, and I’m filled with doubt that anybody would want to read what I’m writing anyway. “Who would give a damn about me and my interminable challenges?” is the prevailing internal criticism today. Well, since there’s nobody actually saying that to me, I’ve got a choice, haven’t I, to believe it – and then I might as well give my blog up – or to say fuckit.
Fuckit it is.
Partly I’m not writing because I’m mentally exhausted at the end of the day, and because I don’t let myself blog first thing any more – I want to play piano, and then I must do the internet marketing. By the end of the day I’ve got nothing left inside me. What happened to my stamina? I don’t know – actually that’s not true, I’ve been in panic mode. Well, something’s got to give. I don’t want to lose inspiration for this, or belief that it can become more than it is. The comments I’ve had aren’t many, but they’ve all been positive, people saying they found my blog helpful or insightful. There’s no reason in the world for me to believe that that can’t gather momentum.
It’s also old stuff. History. Old messages that say I’m pathetic no matter what I do, that I’m too serious about life; that life can work for other people but not for me.
I remind myself that there’s nothing wrong with being serious about life. I’m not pathetic, and life is working for me in ways it never has before. I’m finding value and depth, meaning, I’m building relationships, protecting myself, not being compliant, taking risks to let people into my life, I’m developing a good healthy inner parent ego state, I’m managing my emotions so I don’t have to anaesthetize or shut down. It’s finally coming together, my life is becoming my own. I have an independence of mind that I treasure.
Most of the time. When I don’t listen to the doubt, that is… Maybe I should say I have the option of independence of mind. I just have to remember to choose it!
I don’t have to lose my blog or my inspiration for it, I don’t have to listen to old messages. I’ve got a choice. When I first started going to therapy, it was the first time I’d ever been really listened to and the first time I’d heard anybody speak of life in general and my life specifically as holding such massive potential, or separate out all the negative ideas about life and show me that they aren’t real. I’d longed for it, I’d craved to be out of this dour prison, I’d had my radar on all my life where the hell is that voice of hope, where is that person who can show me some light? So when I found my therapist, I drank in everything he said to me about me and about life.
Water in the desert. I saw possibility as something real for the first time. But at first, I kind of let him do all the believing, I just tagged along. Well, it had to happen that way, he was being a parent, giving me the experience of unconditional parenting love, teaching me how to feel, what to do with my emotions, how to listen to myself, teaching me that I had value and rights. I watched myself grow up – parts of me that were frozen in time began to come alive. I had a chance to do my childhood over again in a way, this time with a nurturing parent who believed in me, who knew how to see me and listen – and respond. I watched my self-esteem begin to repair, saw my view of life begin to shift.
I crawled out of my prison cucoon. Phoenix rising out of the ashes.
It was a threshold-crossing day when I realized that I could choose for myself between listening to old messages that say I’m nothing and worthless, or listening to the ones that make me feel good. I didn’t have to wait for my therapist to tell me. I’d internalized enough of the good stuff to be able to make the choice myself. Yesterday and again this morning the light bulb went on again, I don’t have to believe any of this crap that’s terrorizing me. Because none of it’s real. I can do what I want with my life. I can write what I want in my blogs, I can orqanize my day so I get to do what’s meaningful. And I can let myself believe my life is going somewhere.
All I have in material reality is this moment – the past is over and the future is yet to come. Nobody in the world can predict the future, we all know that. Yet here I’ve been believing an inner voice that does just that – only it predicts a hideous future, one which makes me want to just give up.
What’s the point of that?
Predicting the future doesn’t affect the future at all, it affects the present! Believing a negative prediction creates panic, shut down, eliminates creativity, causes exhaustion, anger, fear. And all those things will affect my actions. Which lead me to tomorrow. Not likely that my tomorrow is going to be particularly good.
And all because of choosing to believe something that has no foundation in reality. It’s a no-brainer. I love that phrase.
So let’s see. I don’t have to believe my blog is worthless or dumb or going nowhere. Can if I want, of course. Another no-brainer.
There. It’s 6.45 am, the sun is glowing through my curtains creating soft light inside. My belly growls. Time for breakfast, a great cup of coffee and toasted ciabata.
Then I’m going to enjoy my day. I’m going to believe good things are in store for me today, tomorrow, for the rest of my life.
I love my blog. It always helps me get clear, helps me remember the truth about life and about me. So, I guess my blog goes up there with my piano. I’m allowed to do them as often as I want. I’m not allowed to sacrifice them. They’re the things that make me feel alive and happy.