I feel bug-eyed and my body is all wired. 6 hours of internet work and I’m ready to jump off a cliff. Shan’t do it though, I’m going to see this through. I’m almost ready to set up a website, I think I know better what I’m doing today. It should get easier, shouldn’t it?
This morning I woke up happy, did my belly exercises, and played the piano for a blissful three hours which seemed like half an hour. Bach was easier today, so overnight something must have happened. It felt kind of miraculous. There’s this short prelude which I couldn’t get my head around, but I can now, and the strangest thing happens when I play it. I go to some place I can’t describe; the piece starts out simple enough then develops into a kind of a storm and then suddenly it’s over. Every time I get to the ending I think where did I go?
It’s the most beautiful thing.
I’m not going to torture myself with this, but I at least want to say I don’t understand this world that we have, where it can be so hard to just do the thing you love. I should just be playing the piano, shouldn’t I? but there are all these other factors, which I have to take into account, don’t I? Like I didn’t know how to do it when I was young, then I didn’t know how to say no and how to defend myself, didn’t know a million things that landed me in this place of having nothing at age 55. No earning capacity in the thing that I love. No house, no car that works, no income.
It’s easy to say just do the thing you love. But life isn’t just about your soul’s satisfaction. It’s about your body also. Isn’t it? I don’t really get it. Finding that balance has eluded me so far, but hopefully it won’t elude me forever.
All I know for sure is that this morning, playing the piano, I felt normal, safe, secure, my world was unrestricted, I had no fear, I felt light and completely engaged. I felt right, at peace with my history, my childhood, all the things that have led me to this moment. I felt sure of my prospect.
Now, after 6 hours of internet marketing stuff I feel all twisted up inside, and the world looks like an ugly place. Kind of sour, dried up. It feels like this is what causes cancer. Doing something that feels so wrong. It’s very hard for me to give up even the smallest amount of time, the tiniest portion of my life, to doing something that feels so wrong. The words of a Cat Stevens song ring out “but I might die tonight!”
I want somebody to hold me, to put their arms around me, quietly, with immeasurable love, and say “I hear you. It’s going to be okay, you’ll find a way”.