It’s an overcast day, with just a slight hint of autumn. Autumn? It’s still the middle of summer.
I wonder if one day we won’t have any seasons, just hot cold hot cold. A world turned inside out.
I don’t feel tall and elegant today. It’s not the seasons that are upside down and turned inside out, it’s me. I sat down at the piano and couldn’t concentrate – no, it wasn’t that, I couldn’t let myself just let go of the world and all the things I think I have to do.
Can’t practice like that. I have to have timelessness to be able to play properly, or at least to be able to set aside a period when I don’t think about what else there is to do. It’s hard to explain. Well, I guess the closest I can come to it is to say that internal pressure to MAKE MONEY AND ACHIEVE WITH MY WRITING NOW!!!! gets so intense that I actually can’t concentrate on the piano. Adrenaline pumping through my body, restless.
It’s a frigging nightmare. You’d think, because it’s just my own mind that’s hucking me, that I could do something about it, but today it’s like a runaway train. Actually it’s been like that for a while, and I haven’t been playing piano, not properly anyway. A few hours here and there, but nothing consistent.
Don’t know what to do about it. Feel a tantrum building LEAVE ME ALONE IT’S MY LIFE I’LL DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT.
Oh that’s the problem. I tell myself, “don’t sit on this any more”. I get up, gather my weapons – clothes, towels, old telephone book. Blood pumping through my veins, I leap into combat. I open the door to my energy and my rage hurls itself through. Out of my body.
I flop onto my bed, body shaking. Tension gone. I lie there, feeling the calm after the storm, the silence, the space. My silence, my space. I let myself be.
I sit up and look around me. Clothes, towels, old telephone book, my weapons of combat, the telephone book ripped to shreds all over the floor, but nothing else damaged, nobody hurt. All the energy that was trapped in my body.
Not trapped any more.
It is my life. I am allowed and able to live it the way I want. I won this round.