The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you never get to touch it. I wonder if the longing to be famous or wealthy is like that. Once you achieve either of those things you realize they weren’t the miracle potion you thought they’d be. So you long for something else. Maybe the longing isn’t really about fame or wealth at all, it’s about something much more organic. Connection. If we have enough personal connection do we want to be famous or extra wealthy?
I saw some actor saying to a reporter “if this [celebrity] life didn’t automatically happen for you, why would you want it?” I wanted to swat him, arrogant schmuck. Easy for you say, honey.
If I have enough personal connection will I cease wanting to achieve fame? As for wealth I don’t care about it for its own sake, but would I still even want to do all the thousands of things I haven’t done yet that need money? Would I still want a grand piano, to travel, new underwear, Armani clothes?
Of course I would, what a ridiculous debate. One thing’s for sure, though. If I had those things first I’d still want personal connection. I don’t want to have to make a choice between the two and surely I don’t have to? Right now, though, I feel very far away from either enough connection or enough money and things. Well, I guess I’m going to be one of the ones people who are struggling to achieve their dreams will point to. They’ll say “she did it, and she was 55. So I must be able to”.
Hold onto that thought and keep on dreaming. Keep on doing whatever you can. Can’t do much more than that.
Is there enough time left for me to achieve? Am I going fast enough, am I doing enough, is there something I’m missing out, am I enough? These questions are a plague on my peace of mind. Fuck ’em.
I feel so conscious of the passage of time, I want to hold onto every second I have, but they keep slipping away, sometimes flashing past. HEY STOP!!!! I want to yell. But even if I did my voice would be carried away on the wind.
Stepping out of History 