Too much of a good thing. I spent the day sitting skew at my computer without realizing it. Suddenly my shoulder was on fire. Why didn’t it tell me earlier. Oprah would suggest me it did, and I wasn’t listening. She’s right. I didn’t think it would go from mildly uncomfortable to screaming pain in one second. I didn’t want to listen because I wanted to get as much work done as possible.
Today I suffer. Crap. There’s a lesson in there somewhere.
Now that I have what I need to move forward, and now that the immediate pressure is off around money, something else has kicked in – get it all done NOW NOW NOW. Finish my script today, blog, finish the novel, rewrite the tv series, check emails and respond, set up affiliate marketing minisites – a 100 of them. Practise piano, sing, go for a walk, do an hour of Italian. DON’T FUCK THIS UP.
DO IT ALL TODAY. THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME, DON’T FUCK UP.
I can feel my throat closing, my body chemistry turning acid, hard to breathe.
Internal drivers, they create so much flipping anxiety. They’re always unrealistic and based on bs, frankly. I can’t do it all today, it’s physically impossible. Besides, it’s my life, I’ll live it the way I want to. I’ll do what I can. I’ll do it in a way that allows me to enjoy it and profit from it in the long run.
I’ve watched so many people being driven beyond what’s reasonable – and way beyond what they’re capable of, let alone what they’re comfortable doing. And for what? Because some, let’s face it, indefinable rules say they must or they’ll blow it – they’ll lose money or love or opportunity or even life, and there won’t be another chance, this is the only one they’ve got. Rules which are so alive in us, and seem so logical and real, and are so potent that they control our behavior, and get us to live very destructively, ineffectively and unhappily. Rules whose origins are untraceable. Really. If you think about it.
I don’t know about you, but I sure don’t have a real person standing over me with a whip, shouting at me.
Don’t we have a ridiculous culture, this western one? Everything about it’s PR says we’re free to choose, that individuality is prized, that we can and do have a wonderful life, but the reality of it and everything that underpins and drives it contradicts the PR.
Well, I’m not taking that on today. My day’s complicated enough as it is.
Slow down. Deep breath. There’s time. Just have to do what I can things today. That way everything will keep flowing over time. But I don’t have to stand over myself with a whip. I’ve done it before and hit burn-out, so it’s utterly fruitless and self-destructive.
Slow down. There’s a way of doing what I need to do that allows me to enjoy it all and optimizes my opportunity in a real way. I had a violin teacher once who said it’s better to do 5 minutes of good, focused practice than 6 hours of tense, over-driven, not at all effective practice. I didn’t believe him. I burnt out. Then I believed him.
It’s often a constant tussle between what I know in my gut is the healthy, enjoyable and in the long run fruitful way of doing myself and the internal messages that say I’m fucking up unless I’m superhuman. I often give in without realizing it’s happening, then before I know it I’m in mini burnout and my body’s in a knot. Gotta remember that this is my life, THERE ISN’T A PROTOTYPE, it hasn’t been lived before, nobody can know what’s right for me.
I’ve got the option of giving in to the internal messages – which all come from childhood – or claiming my turf and saying fuck you to them. It’s a no-brainer.
I’ll risk doing it my way and hold onto the idea that I won’t be punished or abandoned but that the more I lay claim to what works for me, the more life will open.
Sounds easy in theory. Well, it’s difficult, but not impossible. This is not an insurmountable obstacle… There is no such thing. Unless I choose something like trying to walk to the moon.
Stepping out of history, claiming my life from the past, one second at a time, never giving up, never giving in for longer than it takes me to remember –
Don’t give in to this one. You don’t have to.
So. I’ve done some Italian, and now my blog is done. I’ll do some more work on minisites and affiliate marketing. I’ll start on the 2nd draft of my script. I’ll do some work on the tv series and a miniseries. I’ll reply to emails. I’ll go for a walk on the beach. I’ll play the piano for a while, but not until my brain is fried. It’s hard to stop with the piano, actually, I just don’t want to stop.
That way my day will be a good one. Fun, stimulating, challenging. That way I can appreciate how lucky I am that I have so many things I feel passionate about and love doing.
BE PERFECT, DON’T FUCK UP. It’s such a dumb message.