What a strange day, the day before yesterday. After writing my blog I played the piano, and after a couple of hours realized I’d been frantic about it. I realized I had a massive headache, and felt a wave of inertia flood my body. I wanted to sleep, just wanted to close my eyes, but my body felt like it would slip into a seizure if I did, so I was too scared to. It was scary, and when I’ve been there before I’ve panicked. This time I didn’t, but I hovered on the edge of it, feeling as if insanity was looming.
It’s hard to describe.
Horrible to experience.
I ate something, and walked via the beach to the internet café. The beach was a packed, seething mass of excited, shouting, screaming, laughing exuberant hysterical humanity, children, adults, dogs. It was high spring tide, and the ocean was ferociously wild. My senses were all heightened in a way and yet kind of numb in another – sound and people’s energy were exaggerated but my limbs felt slightly numb.
I’ve had more pleasant nightmares. I held onto myself and kept myself calm, and somehow got to the café, out of the noise and bustle. Things quietened down in my body and whatever neurological thing had been happened passed without incident but it was a relief to get home.
7 o’clock came and I switched on the TVand the series I was hoping would be a good anesthetic wasn’t on. I felt rage rise. Under it lay fear, coiled like a snake. Is this the stark reality of an addiction seemingly benign but which stands guard at the door of the last thing I have to face about my past?
Or is just that there’s nothing I know I can hold onto other than my faith that what I’m doing will lead to a more secure world for myself – I have no material certainty to hold onto, and no safety net, no friends. And I clutch onto whatever I can, just to keep myself sane. Is that what it is? The TV is something familiar I can more or less be sure about.
I don’t which it is. I just know that I live in fear and my heart is going beserk. I hold on as best I can to whatever I can. If it’s TV, at least it’s better than nothing. When is this nightmare going to be over.