TV addiction, comfort zones and ambush from the past

I’m addicted to TV.

Neurotic comfort zones.  They’re so prohibitive of life.   What bothers me the most about it is that I have lots of things I want to achieve – piano, singing, blog, bio, script, novel, plus all the other, lesser things – and they take time.  Unless I give the time to them, they’ll remain dreams, and frustrating ones at that.

I have no desire to become an expert TV viewer!  Why do I do it?  The generic explanation is “loneliness” but that encompasses a lot of different specifics.  The thing is, if something interrupts my viewing at night I go absolutely beserk inside with rage.   If I don’t let it out, my experience is a nightmare, I want to kill somebody.

That rage, it’s actually masking fear and pain.   TV just anaesthetizes it all.  And here’s the scary thing.   I don’t want to replace the TV with real people.  I want to hide.   Maybe it isn’t about being lonely, maybe it’s about a time when I wasn’t left alone.  Suddenly I feel light-headed.  I have a physical sensation happening, that used to haunt  when I was a child.

It would happen as I was falling asleep.  A white fence would rise up in my head, and something would come over it, towards me.  I couldn’t see it, couldn’t identify it.  Then my tongue would get bigger and bigger in my mouth, and the world would start spinning.  If I opened my eyes, it would eventually subside, but as soon as I tried to go to sleep again, it would start again.

I can understand the implications, but I have no memory to explain that experience.  Many times I’ve thought it’s impossible for something to have happened.  But when these emotions rise like they are now, a part of me knows.  But what do I know?  I can’t say.  Not yet, anyway.  I remember being molested but this feels different.

I breathe in and out, and don’t let myself panic.   If there’s something to remember, I’ll remember when I can deal with it.   If it’s just jumbled memories of the sexual things that were done to me which I can remember, mixed up with the twisted, distorted psyches of some of the men in my child’s world, it will clear itself up.

The past is over.  I look out my window and see a sunny day, waves breaking at the shore.  Whatever happened, I made it out intact.  I’m here.  It didn’t destroy me then.  It can’t destroy me now.

No wonder I’m addicted to TV.   I think about all my various addictions in my life.  As I’ve learned more about what drove me to them, they’ve become increasingly benign.    Slowly you peel away the outer layers of your fear, anger, sorrow.  Slowly you get to the core.

I can do this.  Gently, carefully.  It doesn’t have to be traumatic.


4 thoughts on “TV addiction, comfort zones and ambush from the past

  1. Hello. This is sort of an offbeat question , but have other visitors asked you how get the menu bar to look like you?ve made it? I also have a blog and am really searching to alter around the theme, however am frightened to death to mess with it for fear of the search engines penalizing me. I am very new to all of this ?so i am just not certain precisely how to try to do it all yet. I?ll just keep working on it one day at a time. Thanks for any help you can offer here.

    • Welcome! This the blind leading the blind! but if I understand you correctly, I think you must click Dashboards, and on the left side of the page, close to the bottom, is a box with Appearance, Users, Tools, Settings. Click Appearance. I used a WordPress template called Kubrick. You’ll see there are 79 different templates to choose from. It’s pretty user-friendly. I think you can just change the template you’re using, and it will just affect the look, but not the content. Also, I don’t think search engines penalize, I think the important thing is that once you’ve got followers who know and like what you’re doing, if you change you might lose them. One thing I know for sure, there are a million so-called authorities who say what you must do and what you mustn’t do with your blog. I say do what works for you. We’ve got enough lemmings in the world! And there’s loads of free help for beginner bloggers. Type “beginner blog” or variations of that into WordPress’s search (at top right corner of the page), or Google etc. One day at a time is best. It is a bit scary at first, but nobody’s looking over your shoulder. It’s your blog, and chances are that people will love it because of that, however you choose to do it. What’s your blog address? Can I read what you’ve written?

  2. I really liked reading your post!. Quallity content. With such a valuable blog i believe you deserve to be ranking even higher in the search engines :). Check out the link in my name. That links to a tool that really helped me rank high in google. This way even more people can enjoy your posts and nothing beats a big audiance 😉

    • Thank you eboniemorehead! Get this: today I felt totally insecure, unfunny, uncool, not sure what I’m writing has any value! What a great stroke from you! Thanks for the advice, too. How do you do the smiley icons?

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