I made an exciting discovery yesterday on FaceBook. I found a woman who was in my class at senior school.
I absolutely worshipped her and her family. I felt like the Dickens orphan standing in the freezing cold outside the pastry shop.
Worlds apart. Thank god the antithesis to what I experienced actually existed. Thank god I actually got to see it as a contrasting reality to mine.
I’ve often wondered what it would be like if I met any of the women who’d been in my class at high school. There was a bunch who were bright and seemed enabled. They had fun together, did well. I wanted to be a part, but I was on the periphery and as incapable of being included as if I’d been in a prison cell with no door or window, and in manacles, a straightjacket.
Watching them all streak ahead of me, leaving me behind in the dust, that was very painful.
But I’m not in that place any more. I think. I hope. I believe. I sometimes believe. On the spur of the moment I tried to message my friend and either my FB account is disabled or it’s just this computer. Go figure. So then I had time to think about it. It’s hard not to compare myself with her. Hard not to fear that she wouldn’t be interested in knowing me. Why would she? Then I became not so sure that I’ve really shifted enough to be interesting to anybody.
Hard to stay adult in my head and my heart. It’s a classic story.
Wanting to be in the world and part of the human race after you’ve isolated yourself for a long time is one thing. Doing it is another. Risking rejection.
I’ll do it.