Christmas. I want to be where it snows, and I want all the Christmas lights and the romance you see in the movies. But more than anything I want to share them with somebody for whom I’m the most important person in their world. Somebody for whom I’m at the very top of their list of priorities. I’ve never known it. It’s hard to admit that, too.
I remember the Christmas I was with my partner Ryan that’s-not-his-real-name and his brother Jack that’s also-not-his-real-name-either. At their mother’s place. I’d just met Jack and was absolutely crazy about him but horribly conflicted, shy and unsure of myself. Not wanting to be disloyal to Ryan, not wanting to hurt anybody. Not believing Jack could really like me but being sure something was happening between us.
We listened to a choir sing carols in a cathedral on Christmas eve. God it was beautiful, heart-soaring. Well, it wasn’t a white picket fence dream Christmas, even though there was a Christmas tree and presents and Christmas dinner, but it stands out for me. I had lots of emotion, that was good. I was in love, that was great. I was conflicted, that was normal.
I wanted to be at the top of Jack’s list of priorities. Right at the top, on my own, nobody else in sight. Some part of me believed that if we could just let ourselves be real we’d be at the top of each other’s lists naturally. It didn’t happen. Ryan was my partner, and Jack had a girlfriend. I couldn’t speak out, and if he was feeling anything nor could he.
I’ve known quite a few men in my life, I’ve had lots of relationships, but not one of the men stands out in my memory in the way that Jack does. And I’ve never met another who triggered off such a powerful and instantaneous, and long-lasting reaction in me – especially considering we were around each other for such a short space of time.
Happy Christmas, wherever you are. Happy New Year when it comes. I’m glad I met you.
All the ideas in this blog are the copyright of Jennifer Stewart. (c) Jennifer Stewart 2009.