The university dream

When I was playing yesterday I wondered if I could become good enough to study at university, jazz for my voice and classical piano for my hands.  Seems like a pretty faraway dream.

I generally hate institutions, but maybe that’s because I’m just scared of being bullied to a pulp by competitiveness, egotistical teachers, unnatural pressure…

But what if I didn’t buy into all of that?  What if I didn’t even draw it into my world?  I think exams are ridiculous also, but what if I didn’t care about passing or failing, just about playing?  Hey, what if I was good enough to naturally pass, given how much I love practicing?

Would I be able to stand beside brilliant youth and not be discouraged?  Would I be able to shine at all?  Because that’s what I want.  I want to shine.

Maybe it would be a disappointment.  Maybe I’d have to face that I’m a mediocre talent and have no inherent capacity to shine at all beside other musicians.


Maybe not.

Maybe it wouldn’t matter, maybe I wouldn’t have to compare myself.  Maybe they would inspire me.  Maybe they’d even like me.

This much I’m willing to say here: if I decide I want to, then I will.  I’ll find a way.  I won’t let anything stop me.

That would really be stepping out of my history!


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