Okay. So yesterday I thought dealing with just me would be a breeze. Well, in comparison to trying to gain entry into the world, I suppose it is. But the challenge is still uncomfortable. For uncomfortable read crap.
It’s still the humiliation around needing to ask for money. Fear I’ll be despised, outcast. Nothing new there. Those are small words for big inner persecution. “Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, irresponsible, useless, a sponge, a leech, greedy, lazy, manipulator, parasite, think-the-world-owes-you-a-living…
You get the drift. It doesn’t come from a logical place, but there are plenty of logical arguments to support it. Sometimes I feel pinned against the wall by all of it. Can’t breathe, can’t move.
Inner paralysis: there’s nothing physical holding you in that place, but it can seem impossible to move away. The present flooded by the past.
History is in my face again today. I think it’s every time I celebrate certainty the spoiler comes up in my face “who do you think you are?”. Plus, I let the thought of having to ask my mother for rent in three weeks time come into my mind and take hold. It brought my Dementors alive. I don’t want to tell the story, I’m sick of it.
I want to be happy today, because I’m getting a new computer and printer. Big enablement tool. Yesterday I was pleased with life. Today I’m blue. Tomorrow will be better.