Sometimes what you want to do with your life comes at you quietly, kind of slips in the back door.
I feel so okay in the world when I’m writing my blog. I’m not doing because of money. I’m doing it because it makes sense to me to do. It’s easy, effortless and enjoyable.
So much of my life I’ve been inarticulate. Couldn’t express myself in a way that could reach other people. When people came into my world I’d just shut down. Fear would absolutely control me. Didn’t matter who it was, whether children or adults, people I knew or strangers.
I was twenty-one and I hadn’t had a real conversation with anybody. I’d watched people talk to each other and wonder how did they think of things to say.
It wasn’t that I had nothing to say, I wanted to be able to be articulate. I had lots of things to say when I was by myself. I could never understand why it would all dry up when I was with somebody.
Then I learned to be articulate, understood that fear was shutting me down, faced the fear –
And found myself in one relationship after another where the person I was with wanted me around, but only as a listening post. They had no interest in listening to me. But at all, and I mean serious one-sided monologue stuff. I got more and more frustrated – and hurt, don’t they want to know about me too? The answer to that one became abundantly clear. No.
I began to be able to see that I was putting the signal out, it’s okay, you talk, I’ll listen. What you stroke you get more of. So then I started participating actively. And they stopped wanting me in their world! When I’m compliant they love me. When I’m not they discard me.
Well, that works both ways.
Still working on drawing people into my world who are as interested in what I’ve got to say as I am in what they have to say. I do want to listen, I’m genuinely interested, but I also want to be heard because they’re genuinely interested in me.
That’s what I want. I want to know they’re interested in what I think, what I feel, what my world is like. I don’t want to be lectured at. I want to be free to give them my attention, knowing that my turn will come. I don’t want to have to grab the my attention, and I don’t want to have to defend my turn. It’s got to be a natural flow kind of thing.
It’s because I’ve finally got something to say that I know how to articulate. Here on this blog I get the chance to articulate as much as I like. Nobody interrupts me, nobody tries to steal the strokes, nobody lectures at me and presumes I can’t think for myself. Nobody steals from me. Nobody tries. I don’t have to defend my place. I just have to be in it.
I feel safe here. I feel as if I’ve come home.