Something’s changed since I started this blog. In the beginning I hoped people would read this and say “I can help you a little bit, I don’t want you to go without food and to be so stressed out”. It wasn’t the only reason I was writing, but it was part of it. I’ve felt very ashamed of that, not just that the truth of me is that I’m not earning well, but that I’ve longed for someone else to make it better for me. Shame is fear, I know that. Fear that people would despise me.
But I’ve started to have a really strong sense of myself, which I know nobody and no circumstance can take from me. My inner healing has gathered enough momentum to create a discernible and powerful shift inside. I had that amazing experience the other day of the qualitative difference between strokes of love and money. The money brought me welcome relief and I was grateful for it, but it brought no sense of enrichment at all, and held no prospect for my future in it. It had no life in it.
On the other hand, the strokes that came from care and love added great value to my life and my self-esteem, made the world hospitable, and cast a light on everything including my future prospects. It made me know that I’m okay, that I’m enough, and that I can earn significantly in the world, that I’m a normal person, the same as everybody else, with the same entitlement. I’m not excluded. It let me believe in my self. It let me know that I don’t need to be rescued.
My landlady offered for me not to pay rent if my money got too tight. Years ago I would have leaped at that offer. But this time I turned it down. I don’t actually want a free ride. I want to pay rent. I want to find a solution to my financial situation. Not because I don’t want to need people, but because I don’t want to be rescued. I want to do work that makes me part of the world, and receive money for it, and if something in me is getting in the way of that happening, I want to figure it out.
I think about the inner sense of uselessness and disablement I’ve had all my life, which was what led me to crave rescue. I didn’t believe I could do it on my own, I didn’t know how to begin. It’s gone. I don’t have it any more. I’m not disabled any more.
If somebody came to me today – right now – and said “here’s a large sum of money which you can have if you just erase from your memory and experience everything you’ve learned in the past 6 years” I wouldn’t even hesitate. Even if they said “you’ll have free money, and lots of it, for the rest of your life”, it would be a no-brainer for me. Equally, if somebody offered me a big sum of money and said “you don’t have to learn how to empower yourself, you can bypass that learning curve”, I’d say no thanks.
I’m glad to learn what it is that has held me back for so long. I want to move forward in every way as a consequence of going through impasses, meeting inner challenges. I don’t want to be rescued from whatever I’ve still got to learn. Learning is hard sometimes, but it brings massive reward. I’ve never felt so alive as I have in the last 6 years, when I began to face up to my inner challenges. It gets better and better as time passes.
I do want financial reward and material success, but I want it to be a reflection of my inner truth. Nothing else will do. Nothing else will satisfy me.