Glorified diary

Why am I writing such a personal blog?

I started doing it because when I first moved here a few months ago my isolation became totally unbearable. I didn’t know what to do about “meeting people” and I realize now that the people I have in my life I was afraid to reach out to.  What if they got sick of me, or were sick of me already?

I felt raw.  I’d seen the man whose wife died in childbirth speak about how he started blogging because it was the only thing he could think of to do to assuage his pain, and it kept him alive.

So I followed suit.

At first I wanted people to read and communicate with me.  I had no way of knowing whether anyone was reading, or what I could do about it, but still it gave me more than I’d imagined it could.

It got scary, and still sometimes does.  I thought why do I want to expose myself to the world?  But that’s not what I’m doing it for.  This isn’t “A Million Little Pieces”.  I’m not trying to boost my experience to make it more dramatic.

People write biographies.  I’m just doing it on a day to day basis.  Glorified diary. And it’s not just about my crises, it’s about where they lead me, that’s the part that’s really important to me.  I am reaching out into the world and acknowledging my vulnerability but in doing so I’m clarifying things for myself.  It makes a qualitative difference to my life.   When I ask questions I search for the answer.  It’s like “Conversations with God”.  I hope it resonates with other people.

Somebody told me once that Yehudi Menuhin (I think it was him) had a breakdown at some point and couldn’t play the violin the way he’d been able to naturally before that.  He had to re-learn.  Well, I couldn’t live effectively, and I’ve had to re-learn practically everything.  I know I’m not the only one in the world with that challenge!  I know millions of people are looking for answers to the question “how do I make my life work for me?”  I hope that what I write can be of use them.

I’ve had the most amazing teacher, and I want to share what I’ve learned, what I’ve gained.  What’s the point of such a experience that has had and is having such a brilliant outcome if you hoard it to yourself?  Can’t go anywhere.  Rather let it have wings.

Every time I risk speaking my truth I reaffirm for myself that who I am is okay.  When I get a response, it adds to my cup which has miraculously developed the capacity to be more full than empty.  Yesterday it was overflowing.  Today it feels pretty close to the brim…


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