My food money is getting close to running out again – I have enough for the very bare minimum for two weeks. When the zero figure is a month away, I can stand up to my fear or settle myself down fairly easily if it rises. But as the zero figure gets closer, of course it gets harder.
I thought I needed to drive to town today, and I did need to call somebody on their cellphone from my landline. It created a kind of a crisis, because I don’t have money for petrol and parking in town, or to buy more time for my phone, because I have to buy a minimum which isn’t in my budget.
I made a list of food I need, and spread this week’s allowance as thin as possible, but I could squeeze out enough for that petrol and the phone.
I could feel myself trying to control everything as I got more and more scared – I’m not going to have enough, I’m going to have to spend next week’s money, then that zero figure is right in my face. Times like this I often get trapped in a warped perspective where the thing I can’t do because I don’t have the resources becomes life or death to me. I don’t see other options, I just see that I’m trapped needing to do something I can’t afford to do. It’s often something very simple, and not that costly – sometimes it comes down to a couple of dollars. But it’s dollars I don’t have.
This time I decided to make a short phone call to say I can’t come into town. I did that, and the person I thought I had to meet in town said it was fine, and they’d phone me back.
And that was the end of my problem and my crisis. I could still feel my panic and need to control, though – I must go and buy what I need this week today. I must make sure I don’t spend a dollar too much.
It becomes such a big thing. Then I stopped, and said today is all I’ve got. Tomorrow doesn’t even exist yet. I have food for today, I don’t need to buy anything. I can let tomorrow take care of itself. I don’t have the means of controlling it, so I can stop trying. Today I’m okay. Today I can relax and see that nothing’s going wrong. Everything’s okay.
It was amazing, just letting go. Kind of a gentle thing.
It always comes back to am I enough for life to respond to my needs. My needs for work, for enough money, and beyond that, to the inputs that allow me to flourish. Will it happen if I don’t try to control it.
I felt the world open up, and had an image of open plains again.
I had a wonderful experience yesterday. I’d applied for that work via email. There was something about the person I had to apply through that I liked. Some kind of no-bullshit. Clear. It was refreshing. And my gut was absolutely alarm-free. I kept checking, and coming up with the same result. It was very nice. I sent my cv and was truthful, and got a positive response – just to the reality of me. Who I am, what I’ve done, no pretense. This person asked for more information. So I gave it, and didn’t bullshit. I didn’t underplay myself either, I just told the straight truth.
I got an instant and positive reply, plus “it’s been a pleasure interacting with you”. I felt that I, who I am, had been honoured. I hadn’t tried to control anything, hadn’t tried to impress or bullshit. I’d been in a space where I could be absolutely real.
It was enough. Enough to get a very meaningful response.
Just those few words.
They meant the world to me.