Choosing not to control, being honoured


My food money is getting close to running out again – I have enough for the very bare minimum for two weeks.  When the zero figure is a month away, I can stand up to my fear or settle myself down fairly easily if it rises.  But as the zero figure gets closer, of course it gets harder.

I thought I needed to drive to town today, and I did need to call somebody on their cellphone from my landline.  It created a kind of a crisis, because I don’t have money for petrol and parking in town, or to buy more time for my phone, because I have to buy a minimum which isn’t in my budget.

I made a list of food I need, and spread this week’s allowance as thin as possible, but I could squeeze out enough for that petrol and the phone.

I could feel myself trying to control everything as I got more and more scared – I’m not going to have enough, I’m going to have to spend next week’s money, then that zero figure is right in my face.  Times like this I often get trapped in a warped perspective where the thing I can’t do because I don’t have the resources becomes life or death to me.  I don’t see other options, I just see that I’m trapped needing to do something I can’t afford to do.  It’s often something very simple, and not that costly – sometimes it comes down to a couple of dollars.  But it’s dollars I don’t have.

This time I decided to make a short phone call to say I can’t come into town.  I did that, and the person I thought I had to meet in town said it was fine, and they’d phone me back.

And that was the end of my problem and my crisis.  I could still feel my panic and need to control, though – I must go and buy what I need this week today.  I must make sure I don’t spend a dollar too much.

It becomes such a big thing.  Then I stopped, and said today is all I’ve got.  Tomorrow doesn’t even exist yet.  I have food for today, I don’t need to buy anything.  I can let tomorrow take care of itself.  I don’t have the means of controlling it, so I can stop trying.  Today I’m okay.  Today I can relax and see that nothing’s going wrong.  Everything’s okay.

It was amazing, just letting go.  Kind of a gentle thing.

It always comes back to am I enough for life to respond to my needs.  My needs for work, for enough money, and beyond that, to the inputs that allow me to flourish.  Will it happen if I don’t try to control it.

I felt the world open up, and had an image of open plains again.

I had a wonderful experience yesterday.  I’d applied for that work via email.  There was something about the person I had to apply through that I liked.  Some kind of no-bullshit.  Clear.  It was refreshing.  And my gut was absolutely alarm-free.  I kept checking, and coming up with the same result.  It was very nice.  I sent my cv  and was truthful, and got a positive response – just to the reality of me.  Who I am, what I’ve done, no pretense.  This person asked for more information.  So I gave it, and didn’t bullshit.  I didn’t underplay myself either, I just told the straight truth.

I got an instant and positive reply, plus “it’s been a pleasure interacting with you”.  I felt that I, who I am, had been honoured.  I hadn’t tried to control anything, hadn’t tried to impress or bullshit.  I’d been in a space where I could be absolutely real.

It was enough.   Enough to get a very meaningful response.

Just those few words.

They meant the world to me.

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