I know what I want

Couldn’t sleep last night.  I knew I was sitting on some powerful emotions, but they wouldn’t come up to the surface.  I lay in bed with things getting blacker and blacker, feeling like I was being sucked down  into a vortex of total disempowerment.

It also felt as if some kind of mythical beast had me in its relentless and cruel grip, which was getting tighter by the second, paralyzing me.

The storm has passed, though.  I don’t feel so raw any more, just bruised.  I also don’t feel wise, or certain of my destiny.  But I feel very certain about what I don’t want, because I’ve had plenty of experience of it, from every angle.  I don’t need any more information on it.

More importantly, I also know what I do want.  For the rest of today at least I’m not going to focus on anything else, not on my deservability or worth.  I don’t want to debate that or think about it.  I want to focus on what I want.

Now I’m going to go and post this.  Maybe walk along the beach.


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