I’ve loaded my blogs onto wordpress as well as blogspot. I’m doing it at an internet café in a small village, Fish Hoek, round the bay that my place looks over. The village is kind of stuck in a time-warp, and something about it has always made me want to run for cover. Now I live round the corner from it. The people I’ve met there – not socially, just in shops and in the café – have been kind-hearted, open.
Never say life doesn’t give you the chance to investigate and air out your prejudices. The beaches are beautiful, the ocean warmer – in summer you can actually swim without freezing. It’s like a little paradise. But if I’m not happy inside it doesn’t matter how beautiful my outside world is, it won’t really impact on me.
My biggest fear lately has been that I’m slipping down to a place from which I’ll never be able to pull myself out. Falling further and further out of life’s current. I watched Lisa Ling interview people who’d slipped through the cracks. She and Oprah concluded that if you slip too far it can be impossible to get up again. I don’t agree, but it’s a scary thought, one which still can terrorise me.
When it does, I cling to the truth that I have something I’m passionate about: my script and novel; blogging; piano; singing; my therapeutic process, the theory and practical application of it. I want a real career, at least in my writing. I want to make my imprint on the world. I want to reach people in a real and impactful way, and to experience congruence in what I do and what I earn.
I’ve often heard people say “life didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. Sometimes you have to accept that”. Well I could never accept it. I’ll always hold out for the better possibility, and I’ll always look to see if I’m doing something to stop my dreams from materializing. I’ll wrestle with that part of me that still sometimes says you might as well give up. But I won’t give in to it. Somebody said to me when I was trying to learn the violin that I’d be playing my violin while Rome burned. He got that right.
I get clearer and clearer about what I want to do, and that it’s okay to do it. That’s got to be enough to move me forward. Who said live your life healthily (in the context of your whole being, not just your body) and your dreams will come to you? I took that to mean your dreams will reach fruition. Dreams are the shadow of what already exists, and you just have to find a way to allow them to materialize. If you let it, life will lead you there.