So I haven’t had nightmares for a while. But last night I did again. I was in a foreign land and I had no money, nothing for food, and I had to get out of the place I was staying in. I had to go back home but I didn’t have money for the air ticket. My whole being was in danger because of it. My mother wouldn’t help me. I don’t how to explain the terror of the place that takes me to, in my dreams, and in reality. No money, no way of getting it, lots of people who could help but nobody wanting to. Everybody else around me being okay. Just me who isn’t.
I woke up at that point, my world pressing in upon me. It’s just a dream. But when I fell back to sleep, it continued. Then I realized that I had a small piece of land I could sell. Somebody said they’d help me – it was a man. We looked at it, and it was small, but it had a fantastic view, and I knew I’d be okay. I’d be able to sell it. Relief. It’s going to be okay, it can happen for me to. Then, cruelly, I realized that I’d been inside somebody else’s place, and had just been looking out from their view.
My heart fell, and all my relief turned into heaviness and threat, a monster’s cloak of darkness wrapped around my heart. I can’t breathe, it’s not okay, it’s never going to be okay. I realized my piece of land was somewhere in a horrible block of flats called Shadowland. At first I couldn’t find it, there was no place for it. Then I saw that it was tucked between tall ugly buildings, and had no view. It was nothing. I’m not going to be able to sell it. It isn’t anything. I woke up gripped with a fear that felt primordial.
I know that it was about the shadow of my past. I know that. But today that doesn’t help me so much. Today I just want some relief that lasts. I want to know what it feels like to have a community of people say we want to help you so that you don’t have to have this fear. We’ll support you in your writing, in your music, we’ll stay with you; we’ll love and support you unconditionally until you’re on your feet and can support yourself, we’ll keep you safe. We won’t leave, we won’t punish you, we won’t let anybody else punish you. We will show you that it can happen for you, that it won’t suddenly end.
I don’t want to have to be perfect before I can experience that. I don’t want to have to have figured every last psychological thing about my past and my present, my psyche and my consciousness. I just want relief and love for being who I am, incomplete, imperfect. I want to feel safe in the world. I don’t want to just know that I’m loved by the universe or god or whatever name you call it. I want the experience of being loved by people.
I don’t want any more nightmares. I have R120 left. How am I supposed to not be scared. How am I supposed to translate that into “life supports me”? This is too much for me. I can’t do this alone any more. I don’t feel brave today. Is there anybody out there.