Frustration has been building over the past week. I’ve hardly done any writing on my script, haven’t touched either my crime novel or my bio. I’ve been spending the time putting old décor brochures in people’s post boxes, paint effecting the furniture so I can sell it, trying to learn how to do a website because somebody said they’d pay me to build one for them – only of course I have to learn how to do it first, and I’m utterly computer illiterate. I even said I’d try and sell a timeshare for somebody for money that will give me food for 2 weeks.
I don’t want to do any of it. The work doesn’t make me feel good about myself or make me feel I’m part of the world, or contributing in any meaningful way. Doesn’t give me a sense of prospect. It’s just survival stuff which I’ve been doing all my life, meaningless work to stay alive. Work just for money – and some of it’s in the hope that I’ll get paid. I don’t know how to tell you how lifeless it makes me feel inside. And I’ve let my writing slide. I’ve been writing my blog every day, and that’s good, but it’s not enough. I want to finish this script and novel by the end of the year. I do. I think I can. But not if I don’t write. And I need to write. For me.
So I’ve had this sense of urgency and panic. Today I said no interruptions or distractions. Today I write the novel and the script. It flowed so easily. I’ve done all the difficult and laborious work – figuring out the plot, writing it out scene by scene, you know, the structure. But most importantly I felt right. I felt I had a place in the world, something to contribute, something which could reach other people, touch them, entertain them. My life has value when I’m doing this.
I think of all the energy I put into those other things I think I have to do for money. What if I just took the risk and totally focused on my writing? What would happen? Would life support me? Which means, would people want to? Is my writing important enough? Am I important enough. Am I enough? It always comes back to this. I take the opportunities that come because I believe if I don’t I’ll starve or stay dependent forever.
Some people draw money into their lives. Why shouldn’t I? When I finish my novel, script and my bio, my chances of being published and earning from it are as good as any new writer’s. And since I’m willing to face rejection and not be destroyed by it or thrown off my path; I’m willing to persevere and work at believing in the value of my work, chances are that I’ll break through.
But am I allowed to be supported while I develop this novel and script and bio? It must be possible.