I’m not enjoying myself today. I’m hungry to have had a different history. Hungry for anything but the truth. I don’t want to be where I am, don’t want to have found life so challenging, don’t want my bankruptcy to have happened, don’t want to have needed it to wake up to myself at a deeper level. I don’t want to have taken so long to re-build myself and my life.
I just don’t. It’s raining outside. I’m raining inside. Cup’s half empty.
I want solution quicker than I’m able to access it. I don’t want a crappy rusty car that could break down at any time, and that has bald tires – I want one in good condition and is safe. I want a warm jersey and a pair of jeans, and a pair of track shoes. Mine are falling apart. I want to earn money with my writing. I want someone to reach out to me and say “hey, you could do this, this is how you go about it, I’ll show you”.
I want to not be ashamed of myself all the fucking time.
How am I going to make it out of this whole mess? I’m 54, and still wrestling, still trying to find a place of normalcy for myself, a place in the world that isn’t driven or defined by neuroses – mine or anybody else’s. I’m still shuffling off, not this mortal coil, but the aspect of me that doesn’t belong to me. At least I’m doing it. I suppose.
I’ve always been dogged by fear that I was crazy. I guess it’s understandable. Thing is, I know the real me and also see the me that I was conditioned to be. I can separate them out and distinguish between them.
I can also identify the dialogue in my head which has controlled me all my life, and separate it out into the different ego states of parent, adult and child. I can see how we hold beliefs that we aren’t aware of, have emotions we don’t know about. I know that unexpressed emotions create depression. I can see the abandoned children in people. Does all this mean I’m just becoming conscious, or does it mean I’m crazy?
I so want to be done with all this. I want to move on for real – at the deepest part of me, so I can be done with my history because I’ve brought my repressed emotions out and addressed my unmet needs, and my baggage is unpacked. Otherwise, what’s the point? I do want that right at the core of me, but today I can’t really care, I don’t want to be sensible. I just want relief.