Bankruptcy, Poverty and Shame. Wanting Relief

I’m not enjoying myself today.  I’m hungry to have had a different history. Hungry for anything but the truth.  I don’t want to be where I am, don’t want to have found life so challenging, don’t want my bankruptcy to have happened, don’t want to have needed it to wake up to myself at a deeper level.  I don’t want to have taken so long to re-build myself and my life.

I just don’t.  It’s raining outside.  I’m raining inside.  Cup’s half empty.

I want solution quicker than I’m able to access it.  I don’t want a crappy rusty car that could break down at any time, and that has bald tires – I want one in good condition and is safe. I want a warm jersey and a pair of jeans, and a pair of track shoes. Mine are falling apart. I want to earn money with my writing. I want someone to reach out to me and say “hey, you could do this, this is how you go about it, I’ll show you”.

I want to not be ashamed of myself all the fucking time.

How am I going to make it out of this whole mess? I’m 54, and still wrestling, still trying to find a place of normalcy for myself, a place in the world that isn’t driven or defined by neuroses – mine or anybody else’s.  I’m still shuffling off, not this mortal coil, but the aspect of me that doesn’t belong to me.  At least I’m doing it.  I suppose.

I’ve always been dogged by fear that I was crazy.  I guess it’s understandable.   Thing is, I know the real me and also see the me that I was conditioned to be.  I can separate them out and distinguish between them.

I can also identify the dialogue in my head which has controlled me all my life, and separate it out into the different ego states of parent, adult and child.  I can see how we hold beliefs that we aren’t aware of, have emotions we don’t know about.  I know that unexpressed emotions create depression.  I can see the abandoned children in people. Does all this mean I’m just becoming conscious, or does it mean I’m crazy?

I so want to be done with all this.  I want to move on for real – at the deepest part of me, so I can be done with my history because I’ve brought my repressed emotions out and addressed my unmet needs, and my baggage is unpacked.  Otherwise, what’s the point?  I do want that right at the core of me, but today I can’t really care, I don’t want to be sensible.  I just want relief. 


2 thoughts on “Bankruptcy, Poverty and Shame. Wanting Relief

  1. Two things. You’re not crazy. And that normalcy you’re searching for doesn’t exist. Everyone is fighting their own demons they just don’t talk about it and if they did, they could never begin to put it so eloquently into words as you just did. You have a real gift and if you don’t end up making money from your writing one day, no one should. Just hang in there.

    • I can’t begin to tell you how reassuring what you say about normalcy is. And your faith in me is so amazing. You’re such a great friend. I’m going to print out your comment, stick it next to my computer. Lots of love.

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